Zodiac Signs Ranked From Party People To Total Wallflowers

This is a comedic attempt at poking fun at a few signs. For those signs further down the list, I love you and write very positive things about you elsewhere. 

1. LIBRA

It’s easy to find the party—just follow you. You’re like a bomb-sniffing dog when it comes to parties. But you’re an air sign and thus an airhead and are therefore very easily distracted. The only problem with going out on the town with you is that you disappear easily, and before anyone notices you’re gone, you’ve already been to three new parties.

2. SAGITTARIUS

Carefree and careless, fun and funny, you are easily bored but never boring. You are always on the move—the last to get to the party and the first to leave, because you have a half-dozen more stops to make before you finally crash. You are drawn to a party like a moth to a flame, which is why it’s probably not a good idea to mention the time your hair caught on fire when you were trying to light a cigarette using a party candle. The punch line is that you don’t even smoke—unless you light yourself on fire!

3. ARIES

You are so down for fun, you get insanely jealous if anyone has more fun than you do. You throw caution to the wind—but you hope you didn’t accidentally throw your purse out of the car window in the process, though, because sometimes you get a little careless when you’re having fun. You’re always ready for something new and exciting that you’ve never done before and could never see yourself doing. You don’t even think it’s a dumb idea to drive down to Tijuana for the weekend—which is a stretch, seeing as how you live next to the Canadian border.

4. GEMINI

Oh, look at you, Miss Life of the Party, Miss Center of Attention.You hate when things get slow. You are always up for new experiences, no matter the collateral damage. There was the time you flew to Paris just for a slice of cheesecake. And the time you dove naked off the high board into the pool on the cruise ship. And then there were all the things you did that were too wild to discuss in polite company.

5. LEO

Even if you’re not having fun, it’s important to you that people think you are. You aim to please and want to be at every party—first to get there and last to leave. OK, maybe not the first to get there, because that winds up looking lonely and desperate. Flaming body shots of tequila? Why not? OK, you didn’t bargain for the third-degree burns across your torso, so maybe you should dial down the fun just a tad.

6. SCORPIO

Being the queen of sarcasm whose stinger is located in her tongue, your fun comes almost exclusively at the expense of others. You say what everyone is thinking but is terrified to say. So to onlookers, you’re fun; to the person you’re insulting, you’re NOT so fun. Your fun comes at the expense of others. In private, though, you are one miserable little girl.

7. AQUARIUS

You carry water, but you have a little trouble carrying your liquor. For you, fun is all about the night. The magic of the night. The buzz of the lights. You squeeze every drop of life out of the night. For you, the night is young until daylight. You are extremely fun—until you’re hung over. Then it’s a totally different story.

8. PISCES

It’s always more fun inside your head than in the outside world. Depending on your mood, which changes every five minutes, you’re either up for a party or are dying to be alone. You can sometimes be the life of the party—provided there are never more than five people at the party. Any more people than that, and you want to hide.

9. TAURUS

You’re so cautious, sometimes it’s a miracle you can muster up the courage to breathe. You want to eat out, but you can’t decide where. Maybe you should order delivery? You might even go out tonight if you weren’t afraid of getting in a car crash. You’re feeling a little sick, anyway, so it’s best to stay in and sleep it off. It’s probably an allergy, but what if it’s a cold? And if you went to the party, what if someone slipped something in your drink?

10. CANCER

What a poor little shy wallflower you are—very reserved, very proper, very polite…some would even say very uptight. You don’t like traveling to new places or encountering new ideas or sampling new food. You hate drama, so you miss out on a lot of fun as a result, because drama is the flip side of fun. Even if you were having the time of your life, no one would know, because you hide your emotions so well.

11. VIRGO

There are nuns who’ve taken a lifelong vow of silence who are more exciting than you are. You’re afraid of your own shadow—which is pointless, because even your shadow thinks you’re boring and avoids you whenever it can. You take no risks. You’re traditional, conservative, conventional…and as dull as a butter knife. When it comes to having fun, you’re pretty much a virgin.

12. CAPRICORN

Even under life or death pressure, you’d be unable to dance or tell a joke on command. You are more afraid of what can go wrong than you are excited about what could go right. Practical and prudent, you can be so boring that you make paint peel.