Maura Quint’s State of the Union Recap
State Of The Union
February 24, 2026
Washington, DC
8:52 PM: The State of the Union is opened by House Majority Leader Mike Johnson, who has been released from his medium-sized dog cage specially for this evening. He welcomes congressional attendees with a giggle, as this is the first time he’s been permitted to speak since late January. Standing on the dais beside him is Vice President and Fall Out Boy fanfic author JD Vance. While most Republicans have chosen red, Vance wears a blue tie to complement Peter Thiel’s eyes.
9:10 PM: Having just styled his hair by rubbing it against a balloon, President Trump enters the House Chamber in the building formerly known as the US Capitol and now known as the “Crypto.com Funzone.” Republicans in the audience give him a standing ovation. Trump, reading from his teleprompter, declares, “Our nation is back—bigger, better, stronger, and richer than ever before.” The audience stands and claps louder as White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles holds an “Applause-o-Meter,” which grants additional presidential pardons to the most enthusiastic audience members.
TRUMP CLAIMS: “This is the golden age of America.”
FACT CHECK: As of publication, this is unfortunately untrue, as Donald Trump is still alive.
9:16 PM: Texas Representative Al Green holds up a handwritten sign that reads BLACK PEOPLE AREN’T APES!, referring to racist videos that Trump has shared about President Obama. Republicans shout “USA!” and force him to leave as RFK Jr. attempts to redirect the crowd by ripping off his shirt and doing a line of coke off of an oddly dirty toilet seat he seems to have brought himself. He demands that everyone around him lick the toilet seat. Kristi Noem pulls a small dog out of her purse, giggles, and snaps its neck.
9:22 PM: As anticipated, Trump focuses on immigration. “We have the strongest border in American history by far,” he claims. The crowd of Marvel villains applauds. “In the past several months, zero illegal aliens have been admitted to the United States unless they were escorted by, or delivered to, a Republican congressman as a sex slave.”
TRUMP CLAIMS: “I secured commitments for more than $18 trillion pouring in from all over the globe.”
FACT CHECK: This is one of the fun lies where you have to enter Satan’s trash pit of degraded imagination even to begin to guess what Trump’s talking about. Our best bet is that he likes the number 18 because he’s a fan of girls that age, and “trillion” sounds like a big number.
9:45 PM: The US Men’s Olympic Hockey Team is saluted by President Trump. He is clearly a fan of Icebreaker and Heated Rivalry, and gazes adoringly at his TBIdols. As rich, violent white men who are missing some teeth and likely have degenerative brain disease, they represent the Platonic ideal of a Trump supporter.
TRUMP CLAIMS: “A short time ago, we were a dead country. Now we are the hottest country anywhere in the world.”
FACT CHECK: Due to Trump’s recent deregulation of greenhouse gases, America will be a direct driver of global warming, but other countries, and not just the United States, will also likely get hotter as a result.
9:55 PM: Trump addresses the SCOTUS justices in attendance. “Unfortunate ruling from the Supreme Court, it just came down, it just came down,” he says. “JD, go do the thing. You know the thing.” Vance walks off the dais, pausing in front of a remarkably lifelike Amy Coney Barrett before pulling out a pocket knife and continuing to Brett Kavanaugh.
TRUMP CLAIMS: “Prices on everyday goods are falling.”
FACT CHECK: Prices on items such as groceries have risen sharply, but it is true that the cost to bribe an American president is the lowest it’s been in decades.
10:13 PM: Cocking his wobbly mass of ever-melting head, Trump says, “Somali pirates ransacked Minnesota. I talked to the ghost of an eighteenth-century plantation owner, and he said, ‘Sir. Sir, people think pirates are cool, but you’re much better than pirates. Please help my people and me so that we can be richer.‘” The president then instructs the audience to look under their seats. Everyone leans down and pulls out white robes. “That’s right, we have a little something, a gift, very comfortable, and they have hoods. Some people are calling it a ’Trump Robe,’ and they’re calling me a ‘Grand Wizard.’ I’m not calling myself that, if you can believe it, but they’re saying it, and I don’t know, maybe it will stick.” Mike Johnson smiles and nods.
TRUMP CLAIMS: “We have lifted a record 2.4 million Americans off of food stamps.”
FACT CHECK: This claim is true. It was achieved by eliminating necessary programs and letting people starve.
10:22 PM: Trump announces a new “War on Fraud” initiative to be led by Vance. The vice president squints as Trump says that he will begin by going after Maybelline, because “maybe she’s born with it,” but what about HIM?
TRUMP CLAIMS: “I took prescription drugs… from the highest price in the entire world to the lowest. That’s a big achievement. The result is price differences of 300 percent, 400 percent, 500 percent, 600 percent, and more.”
FACT CHECK: True. Drug companies now pay you to take their meds. While you can send them a bill, we advise simply robbing pharmaceutical execs directly.
10:34 PM: Republicans continue to bob up and down in deference to their diapered king while Democrats in attendance remained seated. Trump contorts his face into a wide, pained grimace that is meant to convey what he seems to think is a smile. “These people are crazy,” he says. “Democrats are destroying our country!” Pete Hegseth chugs half a bottle of tequila and yells “IN YOUR FACE” toward the Democratic half of the room, before vomiting onto Tulsi Gabbard.
TRUMP CLAIMS: “I love America.”
FACT CHECK: Trump has never once felt love.
10:37 PM: Trump continues, now all riled up, “Democrats are evil and shouldn’t be allowed to live. Speaking of, we must reject political violence of any kind. Look what happened to my best friend, Charlie Kirk. Well, we have a little surprise for you.” The taxidermied corpse of Charlie Kirk is dropped and swings from the rafters as red, white, and blue fireworks explode inside the room, raining down sparks and lighting one of the attending military generals on fire. Erika Kirk pretends to sniffle like a bad simulacrum of grief before holding up a QR code for viewers to donate to her Charlie Kirk Memorial Tiki Vacation Facelift Fund.
TRUMP CLAIMS: “We love religion, and we love bringing it back, and it’s coming back at levels that nobody thought possible.”
FACT CHECK: True. The number of middle-aged women taking up witchcraft to learn hexes has grown dramatically during Trump’s presidency. And, according to one God, the number of people praying for “it to happen” has nearly tripled in the last year alone.
10:43 PM: Trump continues introducing various guests and sharing their stories, including the “brave parents of a beautiful young girl,” likely referring to the courage it took them to bring their daughter to a room swarming with sex pests.
10:51 PM: Addressing a grieving mother, Trump continues, “I want to present you with an award for your bravery, and an expired coupon for a Big Mac. We love Big Macs, don’t we? The way the ketchup drips out of them when you take a bite, much like your horribly murdered daughter’s neck dripped blood. Probably the same color, blood, ketchup, awful, awful stuff, she screamed a lot, didn’t she? That’s right, point the camera at that mother there. What a sad thing. Your daughter screamed, huh… but you get to be here with me now so we know it didn’t all turn out too bad, did it.” Vance and Johnson stand and applaud.
11:08 PM: Nearly concluding this lengthy lie festival formerly known as the State of the Union, Trump introduces a WWII fighter pilot and awards him the Medal of Honor. “I’ve always wanted the Congressional Medal of Honor,” he says, "but they never give it to me. I keep killing people all the time, and yet they still don’t give it to me. We’ll change that in my third term.”