Aide Wearily Begins 5th Explanation Of Why Trump Can’t Pardon Prince Andrew

WASHINGTON—Exhausted from repeated efforts to explain the most basic aspect of political power, an aide to President Trump nevertheless began wearily explaining for the fifth time Friday why he couldn’t pardon the former Prince Andrew. “I know Andrew is a good man who’s been treated terribly, but you remember when we learned a few minutes ago that England and the United States are two different countries?” said Senior Advisor Gerald Donovan, gesturing yet again at a world map with the nations in question labeled “America” and “Not America.” “So because England is not the United States—remember, not the same thing—you are not president of it. Does that make sense? And since you are not boss of England, you can’t do things like pardon Prince Andrew, even if it makes you really mad that you can’t. A long time ago we were part of England, but we aren’t anymore. That’s why we’re now one thing, and they’re another separate thing far, far away.” At press time, Trump seemed to finally grasp why he couldn’t pardon Andrew but said he would not rule out running for president of England in 2028.

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