God Wondering When Humans Will Realize Purpose Of Life Masturbating Continually

THE HEAVENS—Expressing His confusion as to how their true calling continued to elude them, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, was reportedly wondering Wednesday when humans would realize that the major purpose of life was to continually masturbate. “It feels good and the parts to do it are attached to your body—how much simpler could I have made it?” said the Lord, admitting He was frustrated that humanity had spent centuries engaged in pursuits such as war, art, commerce, and the construction of civilizations instead of using their hands to sexually gratify themselves at all times. “It’s so simple to do, and the sensation is amazing. It’s basically as close to heaven as you can get on earth, and yet still they barely jerk it at all. And while there have been moments when it seems like a few of My children have understood their divine mission to vigorously pleasure themselves around the clock, most of them still cease after seven or eight sessions. It is troubling indeed.” At press time, celestial sources confirmed an angry God was tearing pages out of the Bible after an angel reminded Him about the sin of Onan.

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