The five love languages of leadership

If you haven’t read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, you’re probably at least familiar with the idea behind it: that people give and receive care in different ways. Some value words, others actions. Some want quality time; others want gifts or closeness.

Problems arise when two people in a relationship give and receive care differently. Even the best intentions don’t land if they’re expressed in a way the recipient doesn’t recognize.

This dynamic is well-established in personal relationships, but I’ve also seen a version of it play out between leaders and their teams. Very often, what leaders see as performance issues are really a mismatch in “leadership languages.”

As a leader, I consider it my job to enable people around me to be their best—both at work and beyond. Applying the idea of leadership languages to these relationships gives me a practical framework for doing that.

LEADERSHIP IS EXPERIENCED, NOT DECLARED

Just as in personal relationships, leadership is not measured by what you mean to convey, but by what the other person experiences. As leaders, we care deeply about our teams. Yet even the best intentions can get lost in translation when there’s a leadership language mismatch.

Like there are leadership styles, there are followership preferences. Some people want clear guardrails; others want autonomy. Some value frequent feedback; others prefer independence. When leadership and followership styles align, work feels energizing. When they don’t, even talented people struggle.

These disconnects often show up as performance problems. But at a deeper level, they are translation problems—moments when a leader’s way of showing support or direction doesn’t align with what a team member needs to do their best work.

I’ve seen this pattern repeatedly, and I’m sure you have too: A strong hire struggles. Communication becomes tense. Projects and initiatives stall.

Often, a leader’s instinct is to treat the problem as a performance issue and institute more structure, clearer expectations, and tighter oversight. But that makes the situation worse, because the problem isn’t capability. It’s that the leader and team member speak different leadership languages.

5 LEADERSHIP LANGUAGES

Every leader I’ve met has a unique leadership style, but I’ve seen common patterns that lead me to believe we all default to one of these five leadership languages. They all have their advantages, but they also all have the potential to be misunderstood by people who work best with a different leadership language:

• Direction and control
  • Characterized by: Centralized decisions, detailed guidance, and close involvement.
  • How it’s received: For some, this creates clarity and confidence; for others, it feels like micromanaging.
• Inspiration and vision
  • Characterized by: Emphasis on purpose, narrative, and momentum over day-to-day execution.
  • How it’s received: Motivating for mission-driven teams, but frustrating for those who want clear direction.
• Empathy and presence
  • Characterized by: Leading through listening, availability, and emotional attunement.
  • How it’s received: Builds trust and a sense of belonging but can slow decision-making.
• Results and accountability
  • Characterized by: Relentless focus on outcomes, metrics, and performance.
  • How it’s received: Drives excellence in some people and burnout in others.
• Servant leadership
  • Characterized by: Prioritizing growth and enablement.
  • How it’s received: Builds long-term capability but requires clarity and boundaries to work well.

None of these approaches is inherently good or bad. It’s important for leaders to understand that their preferred style may not match what their team members need.

CLARITY IS A LEADERSHIP RESPONSIBILITY

Before diagnosing an issue as a performance problem, ask:

• Has this person succeeded in similar roles before?
• Does the friction feel procedural? Or does it feel more personal?
• Are you responding with more of what isn’t working?
• Would this person describe your leadership the way you intend it?
• Do you see a pattern across multiple people you manage?

Taken together, these questions help distinguish true performance gaps from leadership that’s lost in translation.

It’s on us as leaders to be explicit about how we lead. People should not have to figure out our leadership styles through trial and error.

That clarity starts in the hiring process. I’m direct with candidates about how I lead. I even encourage them to talk with people who have worked for me to learn about my leadership style. A leadership language fit is too important to leave to assumption.

It may seem like this level of transparency could limit the candidate pool or make people feel excluded, but my goal is to give them agency. My primary leadership language is “servant leadership.” That works wonderfully for a lot of people. But for people who want more “direction and control,” I’m probably not the best fit. And that’s okay. Better to know early on and make decisions accordingly.

WHAT TO DO MONDAY MORNING

Of course, no organization can have only one leadership language. There will always be mismatches—and leaders can address them with clear assessment and communication:

• Name your default leadership style. Be explicit about how you lead when you’re not consciously adjusting.
• Ask your team what they need. Ask what helps them do their best work and what gets in the way.
• Create a simple translation guide. Note how each direct report prefers to communicate, receive feedback, and operate day to day.
• Revisit strained relationships. Before escalating performance concerns, have a direct conversation about working styles and expectations.
• Make alignment part of onboarding. Share your leadership language early and invite new hires to do the same.

Small moves like these won’t change who you are as a leader, but they can change how people experience your leadership.

Leadership alignment is one of the most underutilized tools in building high-performing teams. You may be the world’s best leader, but that doesn’t mean much unless the way you lead helps the people around you do their best work.

Chris Ball is the CEO of 6sense.