When bullying happens at work

Most of us assume bullying is something we age out of by middle school, high school at the latest. By the time you’re a professional—especially one with credentials, experience, and a résumé you worked hard for—you expect a baseline of mutual respect.

And yet.

If you’ve spent enough time in workplaces, on boards, or in other community organizations, you’ve probably had that moment where your stomach tightens in a meeting and you’re not entirely sure why. A comment lands sideways. A tone shifts. Someone interrupts you for the third time. You walk away replaying the exchange, wondering whether you imagined it or whether something subtle but unmistakable just happened.

That confusion is often the first sign you’re dealing with a workplace bully.

Wait, what’s going on?

Explosive behavior at work is disorienting precisely because it violates the story we’re told about professionalism. We’re taught that adult leadership comes with emotional control. So when someone yells, slams a table, or lashes out publicly, people scramble to explain it away. It gets framed as stress. Passion. A bad day. A one-off.

Individually, each outburst can be rationalized. Collectively, they form a pattern.

These incidents tend to look like sudden escalations in meetings, disproportionate reactions to small problems, or public reprimands that feel designed to humiliate rather than correct. The volume may drop later, but the message sticks: this person can explode, and you don’t want to be the target.

Over time, the workplace begins to organize itself around that volatility: People self-censor, meetings narrow, feedback travels sideways instead of up, and decisions get made to avoid triggering another episode rather than to serve the work itself.

At that point, the outbursts are no longer just moments of poor regulation. They’ve become a mechanism of control.

This isn’t about communication style or personality. It’s about power and the use of fear and unpredictability to enforce it.

Power is the throughline

Bullies rely on ambiguity and asymmetry. They say just enough to destabilize you, but not enough to get themselves in trouble. They benefit from your hesitation—your desire to be reasonable, professional, and not “make a thing out of nothing.” And often, they’re counting on the fact that you have more to lose than they do.

This is where so much well-meaning advice falls flat. Telling someone to “just address it directly” ignores the very real calculations people are making about hierarchy, reputation, and risk.

Before we talk about what to do, it’s worth naming how context shapes the experience.

What helps in the moment

When something inappropriate happens in real time, your nervous system often takes over before your language does. That’s normal. The goal isn’t to deliver a perfect response, but rather have a few low-drama phrases available that interrupt the behavior without escalating it.

A few examples:

• “Can you clarify what you mean by that?”
• “I want to pause for a second—I wasn’t finished.”
• “I’m open to feedback, just not in this format.”
• “Let’s keep this focused on the work.”
• “I’d rather discuss that privately.”

These responses work not because they’re confrontational, but because they’re steady. They shift the interaction back to neutral ground and signal that you’re paying attention.

If you don’t say anything in the moment, that doesn’t mean you missed your chance.

The quieter work that matters more

What happens after the interaction often matters more than what happens during it.

Start by documenting patterns, not impressions. Include dates, contexts, exact language, who was present, and what the impact was. This isn’t about building a case right away; it’s about anchoring yourself in facts when self-doubt starts creeping in.

Then, reality-test with care. Choose people who are perceptive and discreet—not those who default to minimizing or catastrophizing. Ask specific questions. “Did you notice X?” tends to be more useful than “Am I crazy?”

When the bully is your boss

This is where advice needs to be especially honest.

When the person mistreating you controls your evaluations, assignments, or future opportunities, the calculus shifts. Speaking up isn’t just about courage; it’s about strategy. HR may feel unsafe. Direct confrontation may backfire. Silence may feel like the only viable option—for now.

If you’re in this position and wondering why it feels so hard to “just say something,” that’s not weakness, it’s being realistic.

If your manager is the problem, direct confrontation may not be the safest or most effective option. In these cases, the most important question isn’t how to change them, it’s how to protect yourself.

That might mean keeping communication in writing. Looping others into key conversations. Reducing exposure where possible. Building alliances quietly. Exploring internal transfers. Updating your résumé before you think you need to.

Leaving is not a failure. Staying and absorbing chronic disrespect is not resilience. Over time, it erodes your confidence in ways that can be surprisingly hard to undo.

The myth of ‘just be more professional’

People dealing with workplace bullying are often told—explicitly or implicitly—to be more professional. What this usually translates to is being quieter, more accommodating, and less visibly affected.

Professionalism does not require self-erasure.

It requires judgment. It requires discernment. And sometimes, it requires deciding that an environment is incompatible with your values or your well-being—even if you could technically survive it.

What bullying really costs

One of the most under-discussed aspects of workplace bullying is how much energy it consumes. The mental replaying. The strategizing. The vigilance. All of that cognitive load gets diverted away from creativity, leadership, and actual satisfaction in your work.

Over time, people don’t just lose confidence; they lose range, they speak less, take fewer risks, and shrink their presence in rooms where they once belonged comfortably.

Addressing bullying isn’t about winning or proving toughness. It’s about reclaiming agency.

Sometimes that looks like speaking up. Sometimes it looks like documenting and planning. Sometimes it looks like choosing a different room altogether.

What matters most is making those choices consciously, without self-blame, and with a clear-eyed understanding of what you deserve at work.