Asking Eric: My mother got into trouble and sniped at me for helping
Dear Eric: I have spent a year helping my elderly parents sell their house and pay off tremendous debt, mostly due to my mother’s spending and hoarding.
My father is unable to handle anything due to health issues. I have had help from my family so I’m not alone in this. I am still very involved with helping them with finances and doctors. They are in a small rental now with no maintenance or yard duties.
My issue is the bad feelings I have toward my mother after all we went through packing her house, moving them, dealing with the movers, dumpsters, estate and house sales.
She makes comments often about us taking her things away and taking her money (not true, but it is in safekeeping because of her very poor handling of money).
She also makes backhanded thank-yous attached to criticisms about the way we did everything. I have a hard time being around her anymore.
Our relationship was not great to begin with. I have started therapy and understand I can’t change her or really have expectations of her as she is just incapable, but I still have so much resentment and bad feelings toward her. I’m not sure how to move on.
– Resented Helping Hand
Dear Helping Hand: I’m glad you’ve started therapy. This is a long journey, but you’ve taken the right first step.
Your therapist can help you sort through what’s yours to own and what feelings or sentiments you can release. Your therapist can also help you set up good boundaries with your mother, because it sounds like that’s going to be necessary.
A boundary won’t stop her from making remarks, but it can give you options for what to do and say and how to remove yourself from situations that are harmful to your emotional state.
It’s also helpful to right-size your mother’s response. Her hoarding and her financial mismanagement were likely caused by trauma, perhaps trauma that happened early in her life. That trauma hasn’t been addressed and so she’s still suffering, but without the same coping mechanisms. She’s also grieving the loss of her possessions. So, it may help you to remember that some of this is your mother’s pain talking.
You can’t take that away, but you can help guide her toward tools for addressing it. If she’s open to seeing a therapist, that would be wonderful.
You might also talk to a financial adviser about other options for keeping her money safe. It sounds like it’s not healthy for her to have unfettered access to it, but there may be ways for her to feel more empowered and for you to feel less responsibility for keeping her away from her worst impulses.
Dear Eric: What do you think about a person who asks to come to your house for dinner, then asks for leftovers to take home?
I was taken aback by this. This is a relative of ours.
– Home Cook
Dear Cook: I think it’s a sign that the meal was good enough to want to enjoy it a second time. I’d take it as a compliment. And if you don’t want to part with the leftovers, you can say “no.”
Dear Eric: I would like to expand on your answer to “Heirlooms and More” regarding where collectors can go to gather information on the value of their antiques and other items.
Certified appraisers are the best source for appraisals of valuable possessions. These individuals have specialties in different collecting areas and can provide up-to-date valuations under different scenarios such as replacement, auction and retail shop value.
Collectors can research appraisers online by visiting the websites of the Appraisers Association of America, American Society of Appraisers and the International Society of Appraisers. Appraisers should not charge a percentage of the items’ value nor offer to purchase any items since both these activities can affect the valuation provided.
Major auction houses periodically offer free appraisal days. Finally, there are various price guides (Kovels, for example) that can be consulted which report values of different objects sold at auctions, shows, flea markets and shops.
Local antique dealers are usually not helpful unless the dealers are specialists in the collecting area of the items’ owners.
In general, collectors should have an appraisal completed by a certified appraiser before approaching any prospective buyers of their objects. Knowledge is the best tool to ensure the items are sold at prices commensurate with their value.
– Fair Appraisal
Dear Appraisal: Thank you for this very thorough insight. Other readers also suggested that the letter writer reach out to a professional downsizer, who might be able to help them get organized and connect the family with an appraiser. There are many good options. I appreciate your comment.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.