Revealed: what Trump really thought of Bad Bunny

Raw Story is proud to publish for the first time Donald Trump’s full and frank evaluation of last weekend's Super Bowl halftime show, as revealed in a 3am Monday Truth Social posting that somehow got stuck in the president's drafts folder before being leaked to one of our crack D.C. operatives. Honest.

“The Super Bowl halftime show was terrible, the worst in the hundred-year history of the Super Bowl. So bad. I had some polling done, very accurate pollsters, good people, and 90 percent of the TV viewing audience were from foreign countries who hate America.

“I don’t know much about Bad Bunny, or Dumb Bunny, or El Stupido Conejo, whatever they call him, but he can’t sing. His singing was terrible, and he pranced around so much that I got vertigo, mild case, shook it off fast, extraordinary health.

“He sang in Spanish, which was blasphemous in itself. Everyone knows that English is the Lord’s preferred language. Used it for the Bible. Bunny chose to sing in a mongrel language just to upset all religious Americans, including myself. Very religious. Say my daily prayers. He is quite possibly a left-wing atheist, a Commie. I’ve heard that from numerous sources, all very good people.

“I heard from two documented, heavily vetted Spanish-speaking housekeepers in the White House that even Bunny’s Spanish was bad. Most Spanish-speaking people couldn’t figure out what the hell he was saying. Just a bunch of gibberish. It was like feeble Joe Biden trying to string two sentences together. What the hell was he saying? Translation please. Unbelievable.

“I believe Bad Bunny is a Mexican, or he’s like a Mexican, I call all brown people Mexicans. America’s biggest problem, you know. Could he possibly be one of those murderers or rapists I've warned everyone about? Look, I’m not accusing him, not insinuating, can’t say for sure, but there’s a strong ethnic predisposition according to my scientist friend. Very sad. We have people looking into it.

“And did you see those horrible dancers at the halftime show? It was disgusting. Those scantily clad women cavorting around the stage with America’s children watching. I made sure that my children didn’t watch as I hope every parent did.

“It was unbelievable. I had to rewind and watch those half-naked dancers many, many times — so young and nubile and flexible — to believe what I was seeing. As they danced in a sort of sensual rapture, I broke out in a full-body sweat and began panting heavily just thinking how badly America’s children were being harmed.

“Thankfully, there was the alternative American halftime show being telecast on the great Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN) and Real America’s Voice. I’m told there were many more millions of Americans watching the alternative halftime show than the Bad Bunny train wreck. Biggest halftime viewing audience in history. White House polling shows 99 percent of Americans switched channels and watched the alternative show. Fantastic.

“Compared to the Super Bowl halftime fiasco, the alternative American show was so patriotic, so Christian, so clothing appropriate, so pro-Trump, and so wonderfully white. It brought tears to my eyes. The greatest country singers in history performed the greatest patriotic songs ever written to an in-house audience of 47 people wearing MAGA hats and looking exactly how I imagine America once looked. Beautiful.

“Of course, the standout of the event was the amazing Kid Rock who everyone loves. Am I right? Kid is the greatest folk singer in history with a voice that would make the angels weep. You will never find a more standup American than Kid Rock, such a great a political asset that I adopted him. So loyal. If every kid in the country someday grows up to be like Kid Rock, aside from the drugs and booze, parents should count their lucky stars.

“In my final evaluation, it’s Bad Bunny, 0 stars, Kid Rock, 5 stars. NFL halftime production, monumental failure, alternative halftime production, monumental success. Bigger walloping than the Seahawks put on the lowly Patriots, so pathetic that I’ve demanded they change their name.

“Look, no one appreciates quality more than I do — remember Stormy Daniels? I also know when something stinks and is seditiously un-American. I’ll be talking with Pammy tomorrow about investigating Roger Goodell and have my beautiful Karoline brief the country.

“Here are some astute final observations. First the NFL is dead. They produced a halftime show for South America, not America, and for every illegal alien in the country. They insulted every American who loves our country, and their ratings will go down the toilet next season. Total failure. Very sad.

“Second, based on the tremendous response to the alternative halftime show, it is obvious that every patriotic American shares Donald Trump’s and Kid Rock’s values. I will continue keeping Americans safe from illegal aliens, very nasty people but naturally good hiders.

“I will make every American richer than they could imagine, as richness is next to godliness. I will investigate and indict all of the left-wing, America-hating scum like watermelon-head Schiff, and bomb any country to hell that doesn’t get on board with making America great.

“Finally, I am not a bigot, never was. Fake news. I certainly wish Bad Bunny no harm. Of course, Bunny must immediately hop back to whatever island he came from before ICE pays him a visit.

“However, if Bunny learns to speak English, takes singing lessons to improve that terrible voice, and invests mucho dinero in Trump enterprises, someday I might make him a weekend headliner at Mar-a-Lago. Big career boost. Those Latins are born entertainers, am I right? In their blood.”

• Tom Tyner is a freelance editorialist, satirist, political analyst, blogger, author and retired English instructor.