No date? No worries. Why friends are the real Valentine's lifesaver
My friend recently told me that her favorite Valentine’s Day was a few decades ago in second grade, when her playground crush called to say he loved her. "It’s been all downhill from there," she joked.
Another friend said her most cherished memory was when her fifth-grade love interest bought her a bracelet. "And nothing positive since," she told us, in jest, during the same conversation.
While Valentine’s Day can be a meaningful reminder to celebrate a cherished romantic relationship — even after elementary school — it can also be fraught with dread, obligation and the letdown of unrealistic expectations.
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A male friend once told me he refuses to celebrate Valentine’s Day because he resents being told by a calendar when to be thoughtful. Instead, he programs his phone to remind him to buy his wife flowers every 45 days. He admits the irony without hesitation but insists it’s different — because his wife doesn’t know about the alerts and is genuinely surprised every time.
He might be onto something. If his wife is genuinely surprised — and actually enjoys flowers — research suggests the unexpected treat triggers a stronger dopamine response. Husbands and boyfriends, however, are often stuck navigating the delicate balance between the joy of surprise and the risk of disappointment when flowers or gifts are expected and fail to appear.
On the other hand, people not in romantic relationships might dread the heart-and-candy day, when grocery store aisles are overrun with pink-and-red chaos, because it’s a not-so-subtle reminder of their singleness — and, for some, a pang of loneliness.
But there’s hope: Celebrating Valentine’s Day — or any festive occasion — with good friends can boost your well-being and even increase your longevity. In an article last month, oncologist and former Obama White House Special Adviser for Health Policy Ezekiel Emanuel argued that the key to living longer is close friendships. Citing the Health and Retirement Study, he noted that people with the most close friends — an average of 7.8 — had a 17% lower risk of depression and a 24% lower risk of death than those with fewer close friends, who averaged just 1.6.
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When I was in high school, my father told me I’d be lucky to have five real friends over the course of my lifetime. I thought he was completely out of his mind and assured him I had dozens. Now it turns out he wasn’t pessimistic — he was practically doing longevity math. Five may be fewer than 7.8, but it’s close enough to feel medically reassuring.
One of my favorite memories is celebrating Valentine’s Day with close college friends a few years before I married. We went to dinner, where we very publicly unwrapped unexpected — and absolutely humiliating — gifts from my friend, who would later become my maid of honor. Then we danced like fools until the club kicked us out. By the time we returned home, my sides hurt from laughing so hard I thought I might cry. I’d like to think we can bank that kind of happiness and draw on it during life’s duller phases.
I can’t imagine my husband, father or brother ditching their, ahem, better halves to grab dinner and go dancing with their buddies on Valentine’s Day. Still, the freezing, midwinter Hallmark holiday offers a perfect excuse to pick up the phone and tell friends how much they matter.
Maybe that’s the real gift Valentine’s Day has to offer — not roses on demand or perfectly timed romance, but a reminder to notice the people who show up again and again: the friends who make us laugh until our sides hurt, who know our embarrassing stories and who stick around long after the candy is gone. Romantic love can come with pressure and high expectations, but friendship — including the kind we share with our spouses — has a way of surprising us quietly, reliably and over a lifetime.