Three’s a Crowd. Or Is It the Perfect-Sized Teen Friend Group? Experts Weigh In.
From the Regina George–led Mean Girls trio to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, friend groups of three are iconic in pop culture. But in real life, for your real teen, the friendship dynamics can be tricky.
“A three-person group can, at times, feel like the perfect size,” says California-based licensed social worker Riky Hanaumi. “It’s small enough to feel close, but big enough to avoid awkward silences and always have someone to sit with.” Trouble arises, she says, when two of the three can pair up without even meaning to, sometimes through an “accidental alliance” that comes out of sharing a class or after-school activity.
Mariana Bockarova, a relationship researcher at the University of Toronto, says that it helps to think about the context of our culture when trying to understand those dynamics. Namely, that the way we evaluate our friendships is through the lens of reciprocity.
“In a friendship between two people, assessing reciprocity is fairly simple,” she says. But once a third person is added, the structure of the relationship becomes more complex. “Instead of one singular relationship with one friend, there are now several relationships at play, not just two: one relationship with each friend individually, the relationship to the group as a whole, and an additional relationship between the other two friends that we are not privy to.”
The relationship between the two others is significant, she says, because it can invite “social comparison.” Did they go somewhere without you — and, worse still, share it on social media? This is when the third friend can start to feel like an outsider.
“What’s tough about any number of friends beyond a pair is accepting that you cannot dictate equal closeness among everyone,” says Nina Badzin, longtime friendship advice columnist and host of the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. “That’s not how relationships work. At any one time, two friends from the trio may spend more time together, text more, or simply have more in common.”
What your teen can control, says Bockarova, is their “communicated needs and expectations.” In other words, by naming their feelings of worry over distance or exclusion in a non-accusatory way to the friends. “That can help clarify whether the friendship group can be responsive, willing to adjust, and remain healthy,” she says, “which is a process referred to as relational repair.”
If raising the issue leads to defensiveness, your kid might want to step back and recalibrate expectations and think about whether it’s a good idea to keep investing in the friendship.
How Can You Help Your Teen Work Through It?
First, help your teen understand that feeling a little left out at times is normal. “Parents should remind their kids that if they sometimes enjoy one-on-one time a friend, then they should accept that’s also true for their friends,” says Badzin. “Two friends spending time together without the third is not a crisis and should not be treated like one. Parents should model this concept and help their kids get out of the mindset that they can control how much mutual friends talk or hangout.”
Bockarova suggests that, without shame or blame, you acknowledge your kid’s feelings and work with them to understand what could be causing the perceived rift. “For instance, could the other two friends have a hobby in common, like playing on the same soccer team? Could they be going through similar hardship, like their parents divorcing? Or could they have simply outgrown each other? What is important here,” she says, “is for your teen to feel heard and to be able to process their emotions in a healthy way.”
Finally, just know that learning to navigate these dynamics will only help your kid gain problem-solving skills that they can use throughout their adulthood.
Says Badzin, “A trio can work with maturity — and acceptance that you don’t always have to do everything as a group.”