Stanford students are having fun
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Stanford students are having fun, according to a new study published by the Stanford Report.
The study, conducted by Prof. Aganda Spraeder Ph.D. ’77, found that over 93% of students ranked their day-to-day experience as “Fun” or “Very Fun.” Additionally, just over 74% of students described the University as being ‘supportive’ of “parties, Greek life socials and other student-run events.”
“I’m really glad that Greek life was able to put on so much this year,” said one junior, citing Eurotrash and Oktoberfest as two campus-wide events they particularly enjoyed. The Daily could not confirm that either event actually took place.
The study comes after a years-long crusade against the University administration, which students have lambasted for eliminating Stanford traditions and policing student life events.
“Stanford is really proud of our wide variety of storied traditions. And we’re happy that undergraduates are finally saying the same,” one anonymous University official told the Daily. When asked what traditions Stanford was particularly proud of, the official thought long and hard, before declining to answer. He also noted that Stanford was considering “toning down” the intensity of student life.
“We are keeping an eye on Stanford’s wild party scene,” said the official. Among the proposals discussed for the 2026-2027 school year include chastity belts, a no-music policy and a “9 or 10 p.m. curfew.” One unpopular proposal involved lacing the dining hall meals with a designer drug called MicroPlastique.
Members of the Stanford Hates Fun petition organizers reached out to The Daily to comment.
“We truly believe that this change came because of our work,” said an alum, who asked to be named. “We genuinely believe that the petition we started three-and-a-half years ago was the reason why the administration changed its mind.
In an email sent to the entirety of the undergraduate body, the ASSU described this as “The Resurgence of Respect.”
“We’re proud to know that the ASSU’s combination of weekly office hours and strongly-worded emails convinced the University to end its War on Fun,” wrote Bemad on behalf of the ASSU.
When asked to comment, a University official noted that they “had never received any communication from ASSU related to the matter.”
“ASSU’s five most recent emails with the University are regarding a communal hamster pit,” said the official.
ASSU disputed the claim. “We would never make it communal,” said ASSU social chair Shtucka Pricka ’27. “We would obviously require students to fill out a Partiful form 48 hours in advance.” Still, Pricka gave credit to the University. “We’re happy that the University has finally followed in the ASSU’s footsteps to make real, tangible change for the entire student body,” she said.
By and large, students surveyed by the Daily stated that they enjoyed their lives. Kumpul Sevliya ’26 expressed surprise that “so many students surveyed by the Report were not always happy, all the time.”
“I sometimes hear people worrying about ‘saving up’ or ‘getting a job,’” she said. “I don’t get why they don’t take out more money from their bank accounts, or get a job with Uncle Martin… What? Uncle Martin? Sorry, Lockheed Martin.”
The Report’s study found that students who got less sleep were more likely to describe Stanford as a “fun” experience. It also found that students majoring in Computer Science, Economics and Chemistry — particularly those on the pre-med track — reported enjoying their experience more than students who majored in other subjects.
“We do moral and effective work at Stanford, on and off campus,” one anonymous coterm told The Daily. “It brings me purpose and joy. I can imagine nothing more fun than doing morally dubious things with the smartest, most morally dubious people around.”
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