Miss Manners: My conversation with the hygienist jumped the rails

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at the dentist last week, and the hygienist, whom I had never met before, mentioned she had a new grandchild.

I naturally congratulated her and asked the polite questions: sex, name, etc. Then she asked about my children, and I replied that I have one son.

“Is he married?” No, but he’s in a long-term relationship. “Any children?” No. “Don’t they want children?” … Crickets.

This is not the first time someone has asked me these things. I wouldn’t ask my closest friend these questions about one of her children, let alone a stranger!

I had to return to the dentist the following week, and there was a different hygienist making small talk while we waited for the dentist. This time, I kept my answers to “yes” and “no,” which felt rude.

I’ll admit, I am a bit sensitive about the subject; I would love to have a grandchild, but it’s not in the cards for me. Still, where do people get off asking such personal questions? And better yet, what’s a good reply to shut them down?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners agrees that this conversation jumped the rails, she does not understand why you were still holding on when it did.

The hygienist’s probing would have been insensitive with any new acquaintance, but was even more out of place in a professional setting. The moment the first personal question was asked — assuming it was not part of a standard medical intake, performed in a private setting — was the moment to smile graciously and ask where the bathroom was, or when the dentist would be ready to see you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I suffer from an invisible and unpredictable chronic pain issue. One day I’m out shopping with friends, walking from store to store, and the next I’m in bed.

My closest friends understand this and are accommodating. How do I respond to invitations from people I don’t know as well?

Do I decline an invitation to a wedding, knowing that they need an accurate count and that it’s possible I won’t be able to attend? Do I call and explain, and make them decide?

I don’t like bringing attention to my medical issues, especially this one, since it is private and hard to explain. But I also find myself missing out on a lot of the joys of life because I do not want to cause problems for someone else.

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners appreciates your concern for disappointed hosts, being sick is a legitimate reason for declining to attend an event at the last minute. Illness of any kind is, by definition, unpredictable.

If this happens, you are neither required nor expected to give a detailed explanation, and those who doubt your word are not your friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When there are service providers at my house (landscapers, plumbers, electricians, etc.) what, if anything, are my hostess obligations?

Should I offer them a sandwich? A glass of iced tea? Is there a difference if they are working inside or outside my home?

GENTLE READER: You do not have any hostess obligations, but you do have the obligations of a good employer. That means always treating employees with dignity and providing decent working conditions — which may include sandwiches and iced tea depending on the hours, the work, and the availability of food and drink in the area.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.