Duolingo did not prepare me for the Super Bowl halftime show

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Sunday evening. Couch. A bowl of chips and salsa so aggressively salty that the one girl in my CS class wouldn’t even stand a chance. I’ve come equipped with zero knowledge of football, three months of Duolingo Spanish and the raw, utterly unjustified confidence of a true American who once ordered at Chipotle without switching to English. 

I am ready.

Okay wait. Slow down. Why is he speaking so fast? Are there subtitles? Why are the subtitles also in Spanish? I’m still reviewing the colors. Rojo. Verde. Surely there’s a way to play this on 0.5x speed. No! I didn’t mean to switch to the Puppy Bowl.

I’m not completely lost, you see, because I happen to know that Spanish is a Romance language, and Romance languages often share words that sound similar. For example, spaghetti means the same thing in English and Italian, and football is just fútbol in Spanish. Linguistics. Patterns. I’m basically a scholar. I’m actually quite proud of myself for deducing that the opening song, Tití Me Preguntó, is about Bad Bunny’s recent pregnancy. 

Wait a minute. Oh my god. Is Bad Bunny pregnant? That’s huge. I nod solemnly at the screen. We love an open-minded king who breaks down gender stereotypes. Although, I’d imagine he would be very embarazada if it were a false announcement. Or maybe it’s embelesado. One of those. 

As I’m musing about this, the camera cuts and suddenly there’s so many people. Why are there SO many people? I’m getting a violent flashback to that one unventilated frat party where the floor was sticky and someone was yelling at a broken speaker. I need a Solo cup of water immediately, though it might be because of the chips. 

Also, why is he so close to the camera? Sir. Personal space — Ooo those glasses are pretty cool. Okay wait no come back, I want to see the glasses again. I need time to process the glasses. I cannot conjugate verbs and evaluate fashion simultaneously. 

He says something again. It sounds important. It sounds grammatically advanced. It sounds like the future perfect subjunctive, which I hadn’t learned yet. 

Did he just say San Francisco? 

SAN FRANCISCO?

I leap off the couch like he is personally thanking me. That’s my city. I live within a 50-mile radius. This is about me now. I don’t know the verb tense nor the rest of the sentence, but I heard San Francisco and that is enough. 

Another song starts, and I realize that I have not understood a single complete sentence, not even by accident. I don’t understand. Why hasn’t he asked where the bathroom, train station or library are yet? Maybe because he’s a man and men don’t ask for directions. I think that’s the advanced cultural module Duolingo keeps behind a paywall. 

Next month, I think I will switch to French. It’s probably an easier language to learn anyway.

Author’s Note: The author has zero knowledge of Spanish. All errors are attributed to Google translate, not the author.

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