James Van Der Beek Gave Perfect Advice on Grieving Before His Cancer Diagnosis and Death

During James Van Der Beek's career, he portrayed several characters that meant the world to fans because they resonated with them so much. While that is wonderful and shouldn't be forgotten, some of the glimpses he gave the world into the person he was also need to be celebrated.

One powerful example is that is the fact that before he died or was even diagnosed with cancer, he took the time to give the world beautiful advice about how to process grief. Now that many people are coping with strong emotions that his passing has brought up in them, his words have more power than ever.

James Van Der Beek's Timeless Grief Wisdom From Before His Diagnosis

On July 13, 2020, James Van Der Beek announced on Instagram that his mother, Melinda, had died a week earlier. In that post, the actor wrote about the many different emotions he was feeling at the time. "I’m still in shock. I’m grateful she’s no longer in pain, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m relieved... all at once and in different moments. Just trying to hold space and allow for it all."

Three years later, on the anniversary of her passing in July 2023, Van Der Beek used an Instagram reel to address his mother's death once again. Instead of focusing on his own pain at that moment, which would have been a good and understandable thing to do, he chose to take the moment to try to help others. In a one-minute 30-second video, Van Der Beek shared what he'd learned about coping with the death of a parent. While the actor was specifically speaking about parent loss, it is easy to see how his words apply to and can comfort people who are going through grief of any kind.

In the video, Van Der Beek began by urging anyone who is grieving to accept the emotions they are feeling, whether they are sadness or anger, and not judge themselves for them.

"Today is my mother's death anniversary. It's year three, and I'm at the age now where this is happening to a lot of friends of mine. And so I just wanted to take today to share the advice that I give to them when I reach out, which is, first of all, be prepared for this process to make zero sense. It is an emotional roller coaster. It happens at its own pace, at its own timing, and just don't judge the emotions that come up. Of course, there'll be sadness. Of course, there'll be pain. There's nothing you can do to bypass that. But sometimes there might be anger. Sometimes there might be regret. There might be relief. Just don't say to yourself, God, I shouldn't feel this, or why am I feeling that? Just allow it to come up layer by layer as it reveals itself."

He then went on to explain his belief that everyone who loses a parent will go through a different journey.

"There will be a lot of well-intentioned people who will tell you, I know exactly what you're going through. They kind of don't. Everybody's relationship with a parent is unique and complicated, and everybody's journey through the loss of a parent is unique and complicated."

Finally, Van Der Beek expressed his hope that people going through that pain will grieve completely and offered his condolences.

"What I say to people is I wish you the most complete grieving process possible. It will happen on its own timetable, not the timetable you want, not the timetable that people who care about you want it to happen on. The rest of the world will get going, and then the weirdest, stupidest thing will set you off, and you'll find yourself feeling emotions. Just allow, allow, allow, and make deepest condolences."

The fact that Van Der Beek recorded and published that video was an act of pure good. His speaking with such sincerity as he tried to provide some small measure of comfort to people who are going through one of the hardest experiences that there is says a lot about who he was. That video offers real comfort now to anyone grieving him, giving them a clear blueprint for processing the sadness of his loss at just 48.

No matter when Van Der Beek recorded those words, his sentiment would have been just as powerful. Still, it is interesting to note that he published that video before he was even diagnosed with cancer. According to a USA Today article on his death, Van Der Beek was diagnosed with stage 3 colorectal cancer in August 2023, a handful of weeks after he published the Instagram reel.

Our thoughts are with James Van Der Beek’s family, friends, and fans during this difficult time.