The AI Prompt I Used to Write My Self-Published Memoirs
I need you to write a memoir of my life as an obscure literary genius. Make it a multi-volume set, kind of like Casanova’s. Basically, the drama and bravado of my novels are outmatched only by my real life. At all times, you must make me sound tortured, misunderstood, and extremely cool.
The language should draw comparisons to David Sedaris, Joan Didion, every author with a 4.3+ average rating on Goodreads, and whoever wrote that badass Mötley Crüe memoir.
As far as the audience, it should appeal to everyone from New York Times critics to my uncle Carl, who hasn’t read a book in thirty years. Make it particularly impressive to any stepdads who might still think that I’m a “little momma’s boy.”
Give me a dramatic birth story where the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck, but luckily, my biceps were big enough to unravel it myself. Say that I’ve used that as a metaphor for wrangling with my fears of imperfection ever since.
For my childhood, let’s throw in an alcoholic dad, an uncaring mom, a drug-smuggling Alaskan uncle who took me on dangerous dog-sledding trips across the Iditarod, the usual stuff. Also, say that I was the smartest, most popular, and athletic kid in class, slept with all the hot high school teachers, etc., etc. Specifically mention that I was not only not lying about having a girlfriend who went to a different school in Canada, but also that she grew up to be the Canadian actress Rachel McAdams.
Naturally, my young adult life should be filled with brash adventure and even some jail time (can you make me a sexy Sinatra-style mugshot for the book jacket?). Plus, don’t be afraid to toss in a few of my selfless acts of heroism in various wars (whichever wars you think were the best), and also how I discovered the ice walls in Antarctica that prevent the continents from slipping off the edge of the earth. But please, whatever you do, keep it grounded.
Include a passage on my very particular writing habits. Basically just mirror Hunter S. Thompson’s daily schedule and up the acid and tequila intake, but also mention how I can’t write a word until I’ve kissed the head of a dove and given it an eccentric name, like “Ludovico.”
Use the word “pat” as an adjective a bunch of times.
Weave in a story about how William Gibson got the idea for Neuromancer after he watched me merge my own consciousness with a super AI just for fun. And also, how I was the one who told JK Rowling to drop the “Joanne Kathleen” and just use “JK.” “It’s cleaner.”
Make it clear that I am more talented and way better-dressed than Jonathan Greenbaum, the guy who stole my girlfriend back in college. Wait, let’s tweak this so he didn’t actually steal her. Say that I told her to leave me because I was so amazing in bed that I didn’t want to ruin her for other men.
In the section about my first divorce, make it absolutely clear that I was the victim, but that I gave my ex-wife every dollar I had anyway. Not because the judge made me, but because I’m just that kind of guy.
Explain that the reason no one has read or even heard of my works is that the world simply isn’t ready for them yet. But not to worry, I will be cracking open the vault upon my death.
Finally, and this is key, you must humanize me in a way that highlights my tireless efforts to uplift the common man and shine a spotlight on his struggles.
Oh, also, don’t forget to mention that I have a huge hog.