I've got all the parenting skills. I just don't use them when I care for my grandkids.

• I spent three weeks caring for my grandkids, who live far away.
• I learned that parenting norms had changed since I raised my kids.
• Being a helpful grandparent meant adapting and letting go.

My grandchildren live 3000 miles away, so I don't get to see them nearly as often as I'd like. Recently, I took a three-week break from my regularly scheduled life to help take care of them while their nanny was away. My son and daughter-in-law both work full-time, and I was eager to pitch in and help with school runs, meal prep, baths, and bedtime.

It didn't seem that long ago that I was the primary caregiver for my five children, so the daily routine felt very familiar. So familiar, in fact, that it was easy to fall back into old patterns. However, my old routine from years ago did not work for these children. They had their own way of doing things, and it was my turn to adapt.

What worked with my kids wasn't going to work for the grandkids

My granddaughter and I bonded immediately when we first met, just a few weeks after her birth. The next time I visited, she was 9 months old, that tricky age when babies become shy around strangers. My daughter-in-law warned me that she might not be receptive to my overtures of love. She proved us wrong. She immediately reached for me and snuggled deeply into my arms.

Our connection has only grown since then. Despite my infrequent visits, she always eagerly greets me and monopolizes my time, which is fine with me.

My grandson, on the other hand, has taken a while to warm up to me. It wasn't until several days into this most recent visit that he allowed me to pick him up. We made our greatest connections when I fed him. I think we're friends now.

I picked different battles while raising my kids

Our mornings started differently when my kids were 5 and 2. No lollygagging in our house; just get up, get dressed, and eat breakfast before heading out the door. This household eases into the day more gently. I admit much of the urgency that dictated how I started out my days was a response to my fear of showing up anywhere late, a battle I still wage.

My granddaughter's school has a flexible start time with an anticipated arrival somewhere between 8:30 a.m. and 9 a.m. Even if she's late, there are no penalties.

The car ride to school proved to be quite challenging. I'd always encouraged my kids to look out the window and observe the world around them. This child preferred a few minutes playing games on my phone. It's one of the few times during the day she's allowed to interact with screens. It was tough to oblige, though, because I needed Google Maps to direct me to her school. We agreed that she could use the phone on the ride home in the afternoon, and peace was restored.

It's easy to defer to Mom and Dad when you're not in charge

Caring for a preschooler and a toddler requires skilled negotiations. In this household, I needed a primer from Mom and Day to learn what the bargaining chips were. More often than not, a promise of more time with their parents was the key to navigating our days together.

I learned that the hard way on the day I promised my granddaughter she'd see her mom as soon as school ended. What I meant was as soon as we got home from school, not in the parking lot. She'd had such a broad smile as she bounced out of her classroom that immediately transformed into a pout when she realized Nana was picking her up, not her beloved Mama.

It's fun to be a grandparent

My son and daughter-in-law are truly doing a wonderful job raising their children. There is no reason for me to offer unsolicited advice about how to care for them. That became abundantly clear the morning I suggested my grandson take his nap in his crib instead of in his mother's arms. It was easy to see how tired she was and how his nap would give her a much-needed break, but the baby would only fall asleep in his mother's arms. My suggestion was not helpful.

We have much more fun together when I'm not in charge. It's a pleasure turning the responsibility back over to Mom and Dad so the children and I can paint, mold Play-Doh, and read books together.

I want to be a helpful grandmother. I'll likely not stop offering suggestions on how to raise these two beautiful children, but I will shut my mouth when I see that what they're doing is working.