Admissions: Worst 50-word essays from the class of ’30
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
In honor of Stanford’s 2026 admission cycle, the Office of Undergraduate Admissions has released some of the most unique responses to their (in)famous 50-word short responses from the Restricted Early Action round.
Explore boldly, dream audaciously, and enjoy hearing from those who dared to shoot for the stars on their start-up rocket, fueled by nothing but the words below, a $100 application fee, and daddy’s friendship with Jonathan Levin.
What is the most significant challenge that society faces today?
Political polarization. We all agree American youth need support. There is a teenager who needs their local queer resource center just as another needs to join Turning Point USA. In the America of my dreams, there is no reason why these two equally radicalized individuals cannot be the best of friends.
How did you spend your last two summers?
In the burning heart of Golden Gate Park with my girlfriend. With just tie-dye, alternative psychological medicine and a secluded spot behind shrubs, we were able to experience lifetimes in just a few short months. I will never forget my blissed-out dream: Summer of Love 2025.
What historical moment or event do you wish you could have witnessed?
July 12, 1804. The Hudson River. A muggy dawn. A pistol shot.
Oh, Mr. Secretary — I could have saved you.
My heart burns, Alexander. Oh, my Alexander —
I should have been there. I should have witnessed — no — I should have acted. I should have saved you.
I could have saved you —
Alex — baby — I…
Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities, a job you hold or responsibilities you have for your family.
I work to catalog the unique investment opportunities my mother’s position on Capitol Hill grants us. Diligently acting upon these financial data points, I take initiative, steadily growing our family’s portfolio, asking not what I can do for my country, but what my country can do for me.
List five things that are important to you.
- Increasing shareholder value. What more can I say?
- Late-night debriefs with collaborators as we design our company’s mock-up logos. Organic, protein-heavy, compostable, customizable lunch bowls (#StanfordSustainability #SaveTheTrees).
- Effective buzzwords dotted throughout my LinkedIn posts.
- Finding an eligible Stanford girl.
- A Patagonia vest over a sexy little gray quarter-zip.
While the college admission process is taxing and competitive, particularly at an institution like Stanford, the Office of Undergraduate Admission stated their commitment to approaching a holistic process of admission. The Office of Undergraduate Admissions proudly welcomes these students to the Class of 2030, certain in their stance that there is a place for them here at Stanford.
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