Finally, a Halftime Show That Represents Real America!

Hurry, hurry, hurry! Everybody, to the bunker! It is halftime at the Super Bowl, and what is happening on the field is un-American in a way I won’t specify!

Isn’t Bad Bunny an American artist? Don’t millions of people love his music? Didn’t he just win the Album of the Year Grammy? No time, no time! We must get into the bunker quickly for the All-American halftime!

But, Father—

No! Hush and eat your coal!

Is the president going to watch with us? What kind of a question is that! Imagine the president not watching the Turning Point USA All-American Halftime Show, streaming live on the TPUSA channel on YouTube (but not X.com, due to last-minute technical difficulties) on or around 8 p.m. ET, during the Super Bowl. If there’s one thing we know about President Donald J. Trump, it’s that what’s good enough for his devoted fans is exactly what he likes best himself, and he absolutely will not just tune in to the Super Bowl and watch the actual halftime show. Don’t worry—he is right there with us, fiddling with YouTube as we are!

Shh! Here comes Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, with a special welcome message about “this halftime show that the War Department is proud to support!” Hey, Pete threw a football! God, he’s cool. Cool isn’t being comfortable in your own skin. Cool is making your whole family watch … a guy in a backward baseball cap, red sneakers, and skinny jeans play the national anthem on the electric guitar in what appears to be a sealed bunker.

Heck yeah! Now we’re talking! One thing I always think about the Super Bowl halftime show is, This could be indoors. And this is the most indoors anyone has ever looked. Is this live from the mines of Moria? Is this the president’s new, extra-secure vault under the East Wing? Either way, you can tell it’s cool because, again, the cap is backward.

What do you mean Bad Bunny just fell through a roof, there was a wedding, and Pedro Pascal is there? Who cares? In the bunker, Lee Brice, the singer of the 2014 hit(?) “The Drinking Class,” is debuting a special new song with lyrics about how hard it is to be country in this country nowadays!

What is America nowadays? Let the lyrics from this wondrous patriot extravaganza (not to be confused with the Super Bowl itself, a Patriot blowout) explain it to you! “Old Glory’s on a can. / And everything’s made in the U.S.A. / Hand on your heart when the song gets played.” What do Americans want? “To catch my fish, drive my truck, drink my beer / and not wake up to all this stuff I don’t want to hear.” America is a man who cheated on you getting cheated on himself! Whereas a good American man is “a phone call to his parents. He’s a Bible by the bed.” America is an ill-advised rap breakdown: “I sit back and think about them good ol’ days. The way we were raised and our southern ways.” That’s my country!

Yes, I know. I know Bad Bunny is a U.S. citizen. You know what I’m trying to say. He’s Puerto Rican. Yes, I know Puerto Rico is part of America. But. You know. You know what I’m saying. A real American artist would speak English. Or at the very least, recently translated German. Like the DHS X account.

This isn’t a dog whistle. That’s my smoke alarm. I’m burning the nachos! No, Nachos are all-American. Yeah, I’m pretty sure. Well, the way I make them, they are. Have some salsa. Yes, it’s mild.

It’s nice to be here, watching this all-American halftime show, with all the real Americans. You know we outnumber the people watching the other show? Yeah. Five million to 135 million. (It helps if we don’t count all of them as people.)

Come down, come down, where it’s nice and dark and safe, and hear Kid Rock perform not once, but twice! Don’t worry: This concludes with a memorial of Charlie Kirk, so if anyone criticizes it online, that person will be removed from their position, drawn, and quartered!

So. For, confusingly, even more minutes than halftime lasts, please enjoy only what is safe to enjoy! No one will bang down your door for watching this! No agents of the state will yank you out of a stadium for bopping along to this! Play this as loud in your car as you’d like!

Now put your hands together for: Kid Rock, again and again! Forever! Singing “Bawitdaba”! Or, well, jumping around while it plays! Far more important that the performer not be, well, you know—you know—than that the performance be complete, outdoors, or live. Mr. Rock is jumping around the stage in shorts! He is wearing a hat! Did Bad Bunny wear a cool hat like Mr. Rock? Did Bad Bunny also frequently adjust the hat?

No, no, no, no, no! Do not answer that! Don’t you dare Google it!

We must not see how the rest of the country is living. We must not allow ourselves to suspect that they are America too.