The Out-of-Touch Adults' Guide to Kid Culture: Is Jeffrey Epstein on Fortnite?

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Things seemed very quiet this week in the world of youth culture, so I asked my always-connected son what kids were talking about. "Dad, the Epstein files," he said. "That's all anyone is talking about."

I like to keep things light here, but it's not possible at the moment; The Epstein files are the culture right now, no matter what age you are. Younger people are trying to figure out how to fit this massive thing into their idea of the world, just like you probably are. Smaller kids are contextualizing the files by visiting/making Roblox Epstein Islands and joking about it in school (then asking their folks what it really means). For young 'uns, it seems like "Epstein's Island" is becoming shorthand for a forbidden haunted place, like "Diddy Party" was 14 years ago—wait, I mean five months ago.

Older young people are making Epstein Phonk videos on TikToks, making memes out Epstein's sweater and putting themselves in pictures from the files with AI. They're also poring over the millions of documents, like everyone, and they think they found something that older people might have overlooked.

Is Jeffrey Epstein playing Fortnite?

Among the many conspiracy theories circulating about the Epstein files is that Jeffrey Epstein was playing Fortnite last week. Even for conspiracy theories, this is a stretch, as it requires that Epstein be alive, but here's the evidence: A YouTube receipt addressed to “littlestjeff1" is included in the files, and there was a player using that handle playing Fortnite last week. That's all. Despite a sane reaction being, "OK, so what?" the rumor apparently caused enough commotion that Fortnite's parent company addressed it, saying it was a player who changed their handle after the name was posted online in connection with Epstein:

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Like any internet theory, you can dig into it deeper, but you'll find only unverifiable screenshot "evidence" that anyone could have made at any time, elaborate theories connecting unrelated data points to land on baseless conclusions, a lot of passionate people defending the theory, and a company doing desperate damage control. It's a morass, and a really bleak look at the foreseeable future of American culture.

Jeffrey Epstein's actual gaming connection

The Fortnite thing looks like bullshit, but Epstein actually was a gamer. Well, he had an XBox Live account, anyway. Among the documents in the files is an email from Microsoft, sent on December 19, 2013, permanently suspending the account associated with Epstein's email address. It's a boilerplate ban message, citing "harassment, threats, and/or abuse of other players" that has been "determined to be severe, repeated, and/or excessive."

A follow-up email reveals that Epstein was banned from Live because Epstein was a registered sex offender. "This action is based on the New York Attorney General's partnership with Microsoft and other online gaming companies to remove New York-registered sex offenders from online gaming services to minimize the risk to others, particularly children," the email reads.

What does "phonk" mean?

Let's talk about the word "phonk," since it came up earlier in the column and it's about art instead of depravity. "Phonk" has a complicated history. It was coined in the 2010s by rapper SpaceGhostPurrp to describe his take on 1990s Southern hip hop that featured slow, "chopped and screwed" production and the use of vintage Memphis rap vocals. Interestingly, the elements of phonk spread mainly through SoundCloud and other online outlets, so it's a subgenre of music that grew without a geographic "base."

(Bonus explainer: SpaceGhostPurrp is an underground rapper widely regarded as one of the most influential figures in the 2010s "internet rap" era.)

But when kids talk about "phonk" nowadays, they usually mean something else. In the late 2010s, a genre emerged from Russia that was dubbed "drift phonk." Drift phonk began as the soundtrack of videos of cars drifting. It's fast, often features heavy distortion—and, unlike SpaceGhost's "phonk," which is good, drift phonk is bad. To me. Judge for yourself. Anyway, "drift phonk" gradually just became "phonk" and spread from car videos to become the most common soundtrack to brainrot videos.

What is a “boy aquarium"?

More slang! "Boy aquarium" is a TikTok slang term that describes hockey games. The word is closely linked to the popularity of HBO's hockey-player romance series Heated Rivalry, and posting videos about the boy aquarium is becoming popular on TikTok. Some are very funny:

What's the deal with ChatGPT caricatures?

If your feed is filling up with weird cartoon version of the people you're in parasocial relationships with, here's the deal: The new trend is asking ChatGPT or another AI to come up with a caricature of you based on only the interactions you've had with it. It's popular, because it's easy to do, and kind of funny—or so I thought before I tried it.

Jesus—I want to punch myself in the face.

Viral video of the week: A duck with a clover on its head

This week's viral video is a duck with a clover on its head.

There are many, many cute ducklings who never did anything bad to anyone on TikTok's baby ducks hashtag. Look at this little guy just cheepin' away! This duckling is trying on hats because he thinks he's people! Here's some lil' babies taking a bird bath. This one fell asleep in a mug!