Study Finds 98% Recidivism Rate Among Americans Who Burn Mouths On Hot Food

STANFORD, CA—In a comprehensive, decade-long study of the self-destructive pattern, researchers at Stanford University recorded a shocking 98% recidivism rate among Americans who had burned their mouths on hot food.

Despite the lingering numbness on their tongues or the roofs of their mouths, the study found that nearly all subjects who burned themselves on items such as soup or fresh-out-of-the-oven pizza repeated the behavior almost immediately. The findings suggest that traditional punitive disincentives are woefully inadequate in preventing recurrence of the harmful practice that leads individuals to repeatedly say “Hot, hot, hot” while fanning their mouths and wincing in pain.

“This is a wake-up call for anyone who thought that having to hastily reach for a soda or milk was a deterrent to taking a second searing bite,” said lead researcher Laurie Jimenez, adding that, even when controlling for hunger levels and drunkenness, subjects went in for another spoonful when the chili was boiling-hot almost as quickly as they did when the chili had been sitting in a room temperature serving bowl for 15 minutes. “If 98% of people are making an O shape with their mouths and taking several breaths in quick succession to cool down the egg roll filling that’s burning their mouth—but then diving right back in—we all ought to be alarmed.”

“Of course, these individuals do bear some responsibility for their conduct, but this cycle of eating, burning, and eating again is an indictment of us all,” Jimenez added. “These are our fellow Americans, and we’re failing them.”

The data presented additional causes of concern, including the fact that most individuals did not stop at a second bite but returned for a third or even a fourth despite the near certainty of a negative outcome. In fact, the likely consequences did not appear to even enter their thoughts as they were devouring yet another onion ring straight from the fryer.

Researchers told reporters that it was impossible to isolate a single reason why people would be unfazed by the very real threat of a painful blister on their gums. But the study did hypothesize a number of possible contributing factors, among them a lack of education, with many of the subjects having never been warned by a parent that blowing on a microwaved Hot Pocket after an initial bite does little to cool its molten center. 

“Another issue could be a lack of positive role models,” study co-author Glenn Rothenberger said. “Maybe they grew up in an environment where they observed family members digging into lasagna, soup dumplings, or hot apple pie with no effort to pace themselves. Or maybe they were surrounded by peers at restaurants who just chowed down on mozzarella sticks filled with still-bubbling cheese. How would you know to wait a second and maybe dip your mozzarella sticks in a little cup of tepid marinara if you never saw anyone else doing it?”

“Or, sadly, they may simply feel they have no viable alternative to this damaging behavior,” Rothenberger continued. “They already bought the instant ramen, it’s in front of them, and it’s delicious. So what are they supposed to do?”

Caleb Jenkins, a 24-year-old Seattle man who participated in the study, admitted to reporters he didn’t think twice about stuffing another forkful of hot calzone in his mouth despite the very real risk of scalding his tongue.

“I know it’s not right,” Jenkins said. “I know it ultimately hurts me. I know it’s a bad decision. But I also don’t know any other way. I just feel trapped.”

“Ow, ow, ow,” added Jenkins, reaching for another bite.

The findings from this study parallel results from similar research that found a 95% recidivism rate among those who felt their food smelled or looked weird, but took a second bite anyway just to make sure. 

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