Miss Manners: Can we use the wedding save-the-date as an elimination round?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is planning a wedding in 14 months. We are currently looking at venues in the city where she lives, which is a six-hour drive from our hometown.

We know that many people she would want to invite will not be able to attend. We also know that the invitation list will be limited by the occupancy limits of the venues we are looking at.

Is there a polite way to use a save-the-date card to say, “We’d love for you to come, but if you know you can’t, let us know so we can expand our invitation list”? Is this something that I should just talk to our friends and family about, as the mother of the bride?

For instance, we have relatives on our tentative guest list whom we love, but who have children playing sports in the fall; they would probably choose not to miss their kids’ games to spend a weekend at a cousin’s wedding. Other potential invitees might have limited time off work. We have several elderly aunts who I feel certain are not up to the trip, but they are at the top of our “must invite” list.

GENTLE READER: Alas, there is no polite way to say, “Please come — but we’d be grateful to hear that you won’t.”

It is never safe to presume which guests would decline. It is not even safe to count on any answers received this far in advance, as plans often change.

In an ideal world, you would know who is coming within a week of sending actual invitations, which is when prospective guests should respond. Ha.

Rather, when that time comes, you will probably have to call around to non-responders to find out. And if they say they are not sure, Miss Manners would condone your replying, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I know Brenda will be disappointed. But of course we understand.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you go about declining when someone who just isn’t your type asks you out or asks for your phone number?

I have been nice and said things like, “I’m not dating right now,” or even, “I really only want to date someone of my faith.”

Some men just don’t seem to get the hint. How do you politely say, “It’s you, personally, I am not interested in”?

GENTLE READER: Oddly enough, people do not like being told that they are unattractive, especially by those they find attractive — no matter how delicately this is worded.

And those excuses will just get you into trouble. If you use the line about your faith, suppose someone replied, “But I was hoping you would convert me.”

The lack of an excuse will actually make your refusal clearer: just “Thank you for asking, but no, I think not.” This can simply be repeated in case of any ill-advised follow-ups.

As for the request for your telephone number, Miss Manners suggests putting a twist on the standard plea of busyness: “Why don’t you just give me yours? But frankly, I’m not sure I’ll be able to call because I’ve been very busy.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.