Meet the Anonymous Substack Writer Shedding Light on Sex After Divorce

After a decade-plus marriage that had gone “sexless” and “passion-depleted,” Loretta hit her mid-40s and realized her libido wasn’t dead — it was just buried under a decade of motherhood and a relationship that had run out of steam. Like many women, she found herself standing at a crossroads: stay in the safe, numb familiarity of a dying marriage, or leap into the unknown.

She chose the leap. Now, while co-parenting two kids, she’s figuring out how to date again without letting her private life bleed into her role as a mom. To make sense of the messy, unfiltered reality of this new chapter, she started an anonymous Substack called To the Bed. She writes under the name Loretta (a nod to Cher’s Loretta Castorini from Moonstruck), documenting the highs of new intimacy and the practical headaches of post-divorce logistics — and readers are eager for it all. Her escapades have attracted an audience of over 3,400 subscribers.

Loretta is done with the lie that moms have to trade their sensuality for a carpool lane. Whether she’s hiding condom boxes on high shelves or using “incognito” modes on apps to avoid swiping on neighbors, she’s giving a refreshing, blunt look at what it means to reclaim your body and your sexuality.

SheKnows: You’ve chosen to document this journey publicly (albeit anonymously) on Substack. Most people would keep these stories locked in a diary, but you’re sharing the messy, honest details with strangers. What drove you to share these very private experiences with the world?

Loretta: When I started dating, my friends — both married and divorced — wanted all the gory details. There’s no question that divorce is having a moment, and many women are curious about what their lives might look like if they started over. And while there’s a decent amount of writing from women right now about the challenges of dating (including in midlife), I haven’t seen much that delves into the sexual details. I thought it might be fun and helpful to share my experiences — both positive and negative — and what I’m learning from them about both men and myself.

SheKnows: As women, we’re conditioned to put everyone else first, even if that means neglecting our own needs. This is especially true for mothers. You’ve written about how dating now is completely different from your 20s. What has been the most surprising “high” of exploring intimacy at this age? Is there a specific kind of confidence or freedom you have now that you didn’t have before you had kids? 

Loretta: What’s most liberating for me now is that I’m not looking for a husband or even necessarily a long-term partner. In my 20s, I was evaluating men in terms of whether they’d be able to help financially support a family, whether they would be good fathers, whether they were smart and tall and might pass along “good” genes. Now, I don’t care about any of that, and it’s so freeing. I want to date sexy, kind, emotionally literate men that I can learn things from — I don’t care if they’re short or tall, rich or poor, brilliant or of average intelligence. 

The other big thing that’s changed is that I don’t care that much if guys stick around. When I dated my future husband, I was so worried I might scare him off in any number of ways. My biological clock was ticking, and I didn’t want to start over. So I was always performing. I needed to show him I was a good cook, an easy person to live with, smart, not too needy, highly generous. I’ve always been a people pleaser, but it came out in full force when I was dating back then. Now, I feel so much freer to be myself. There’s no clock ticking, and I don’t need a long-term partner. If I’m too much for a guy or if he wishes I cooked more, he’s not the right fit for me. Good riddance; onto the next. 

SheKnows: There’s still this heavy cultural stigma that suggests once you’re a mother, you shouldn’t be “wild” or sexually adventurous. You mentioned to me that you sometimes struggle with the duality of being a dedicated mom and a woman with a high sex drive. How do you handle those moments of guilt or judgment when they creep in?

Loretta: At first, this was definitely an issue for me. It’s built into our culture: mothers are supposed to sacrifice their needs and their bodies for their kids. They aren’t supposed to have the time or energy for hobbies, let alone casual sex. If they do, they’re bad moms. They’re selfish. One of the first men I slept with after my divorce once said something to me like, “How do your kids feel about the fact that you’re so hungry for sex all the time?” which perfectly illustrates these sexist expectations. 

I quickly realized, though, that these expectations don’t serve women. They serve men. They’re baked into our society to control women and give men more freedom. And they don’t even make much sense. Sex isn’t just for oneself; sex is about connecting with others, sometimes very deeply. So I realized I could take control back by not giving a shit about these norms and expectations. “Slut” isn’t an insult, and if a guy tries to use it as one, he’s not going to get anywhere with me.

SheKnows: On our intro call, you mentioned that you go to great lengths to keep “Loretta” separate from “Mom” — including privacy screens and hidden app folders. What are your top logistical tips for keeping your private life private when you have curious kids in the house?

Loretta: It’s interesting: I do not want to flaunt my sex life around my kids and force them to reckon with the details, but I don’t plan to lie to them if they ask me about it. Recently, I asked my therapist if I should start a conversation with them about my dating life, and she actually advised me not to. My kids are pretty open and inquisitive, and she said they’ll come to me if they have questions — but often, she said, kids just really don’t want to know the details of their parents’ sex lives. 

Since I don’t want my kids to inadvertently see things they don’t necessarily want to see, I keep sexy photos of myself and the men I’m dating in a hidden photos folder. I converse with men on WhatsApp, which can be locked. I have a privacy screen on my phone so my kids can’t see what I’m doing from far away. I schedule dates for when I don’t have custody, and clean up afterwards (condom wrappers have a knack for hiding in strange places!). I also hide my huge box of condoms on a high shelf. 

SheKnows: Co-parenting adds a whole other layer of complexity to dating. You mentioned on our call that you and your ex-husband agreed not to introduce the kids to anyone unless it’s serious. How did you navigate that conversation with him, and what advice do you have for other co-parents trying to set healthy boundaries with their exes?

Loretta: This was actually a very easy and organic conversation for us. I am not even sure I’m the one who brought it up! Throughout our divorce, we tried to prioritize our kids, and we both realized that it would be confusing for them if we introduced them to various casual lovers. So we agreed that we wouldn’t introduce our kids to partners until we had gotten serious — after months of dating — and that we would tell each other before we told the kids so as to avoid any unpleasant surprises on our end. (Who wants to hear from their kids, “Dad introduced us to his friend Katie today”?) 

My advice for co-parents would be to try to think through various future scenarios — even uncomfortable ones — and consider the kinds of conversations you could have with your ex and the boundaries you could set to protect the kids and yourself from difficult or awkward situations. 

SheKnows: Jumping onto dating apps after a decade-plus of monogamy can feel like landing on an alien planet. Since you’ve been in the trenches of modern dating apps, what’s your survival guide for women over 40 who are terrified to upload that first profile picture? How do you stay safe (and sane) while swiping?

Loretta: I started out on the apps by creating a profile but not making it public, and instead just “perusing the merchandise,” as they say. On Feeld and Tinder, this is called going “Incognito,” and it’s a great way to explore while maintaining your privacy and feeling safe. If you “like” a person and they “like” you back, your profile is visible, but only then. I’m also a big fan of being open and honest in profiles. You can include something like, “I’m new to the apps, and I’m not sure if and when I’ll be ready to go on dates, but I’m interested in chatting!” You can also set boundaries and expectations in your profile, like that condoms are non-negotiable. These kinds of things can help filter out the jerks.

Also, don’t think twice about unmatching or blocking if anyone gives you weird vibes. You do not owe anybody anything, ever. 

All this said, app dating is hard, and it really sucks sometimes! You’ll be ghosted, you’ll be objectified, you’ll be mainsplained to. But the nice thing is that you can often learn a lot about a person — how curious they are, how considerate they are, how reliable they are — pretty quickly when you’re chatting on the apps. 

SheKnows: We talk a lot about how pain or dryness can be signals from our bodies, but sometimes the barrier is emotional. You described feeling like your desire had just disappeared before your divorce — a feeling many women can relate to. What would you say to the SheKnows reader who’s currently sitting in a loveless marriage, or the single mom who thinks that part of her life is over, to let her know there is hope on the other side?

Loretta: During my marriage, I had convinced myself that I no longer had a sex drive. My ex wanted much more sex than I did, and I always sensed that he considered my low libido a failing of mine, rather than a problem for both of us to consider and address.

But when we started discussing divorce, that part of me woke up again. It was ferociously hungry. I was shocked! It wasn’t that I didn’t want or like sex; I just didn’t want or like sex with him, at least not anymore. There are many reasons why this can happen, and I’m not saying issues like this can’t be fixed — but it takes two, and often it takes hard work, because the lack of interest in sex can reflect much deeper issues. For us, it reflected a lack of emotional connection. 

What I would say to women who aren’t interested in sex is this: You may not be interested in sex in this particular context, in this particular moment in your life, or with this particular person. But that doesn’t mean your body isn’t interested in it more broadly, or that there can’t be contexts, moments, and partners that will wake it back up. And I’ll warn you: when it re-awakens, be prepared for a wild ride.