Which Washington Landmark Will Donald Trump Destroy Next?

Alas, the Donald J. Trump and the John F. Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts! We barely knew ye!

The president announced on Truth Social that the recently renamed center will close on July 4 for two full years of renovations. No better way to celebrate 250 years as a nation than by shutting down our center for the performing arts! Most high schools, given the opportunity to shut down their performing-arts departments, don’t view it as an exciting, patriotic celebration, and prefer to have a bake sale. But I am told that this is just how the Founders hoped we would celebrate. (If you remember that John Adams note about how to commemorate the Fourth of July, right after “fireworks,” he suggested “or making it difficult, if not impossible, for people to see Opera, Ballet, Symphonic Performances, Touring Productions of Broadway Musicals, and Sometimes Shen Yun.”)

Everywhere you look in Washington, D.C., buildings are getting their names rejiggered (the Donald J. Trump Institute of Peace), their wings clipped (RIP East Wing of the White House), or both. And of course, we must not forget the Triumphal Arch—a possibly 250-foot-tall edifice (One foot for each year! We’d better hope the country doesn’t go on much longer!) that, when complete, will reportedly dwarf the Lincoln Memorial.

Is any building safe? I fear it’s only a matter of time before the inevitable Donald J. Trump AND is slapped on every marquee—but what happens after that? Here are my best guesses.

Donald J. Trump and Washington National Cathedral: Why should George Washington be the only one to have his name on a house of prayer? Trump’s team will also improve all of the windows, which currently are full of lots of little tiny bits of “stained” glass (was new, pristine glass not available?) that make it difficult to see in or out.

Also, instead of a large, depressing wooden carving of some Middle Eastern man in a loincloth being justly punished by the state, we will have something uplifting, like a big golden letter T, maybe a big R, possibly a U, and then a nice MP to round the whole thing off. (This move might result in audiences deserting the building, but then we can demolish it and put in a golf course.)

Donald J. Trump Institute of Peace: The roof of this building will be repainted as a world map, with all of the territories Trump is eyeing for the United States marked for viewers’ convenience. It will be used to house the members of the Nobel Peace Prize committee, who will have been kidnapped by an elite squadron of Trump Peacekeeping Forces and threatened with repeat screenings of Melania until they produce a Nobel Prize for Mr. Trump.

Donald J. Trump Federal Bureau of Investigations: This building will be torn down on the grounds that it is an eyesore from the 1960s, an era when it was believed that a single Watergate-level scandal would be enough to end a presidency, and replaced with either the actual Parthenon from Athens (the ultimate in classical architecture) or the fake Parthenon from Tennessee (Kash Patel and his girlfriend can bring it back on their government jet so that they will be able to mark their latest Nashville excursion as “business travel.”)

The Donald J. Trump and Washington Monument: At first, I thought Trump would simply slap his name on this noteworthy obelisk, but I actually think he will do another Triumphal Arch move and build a much bigger one, all in brass, right next to it. But not too close. Any deaths of birds that fly into it will be offset by the fact that Trump is saving their relatives from windmills.

The Donald J. Trump United States Treasury: Simply putting Donald Trump’s name on the whole Treasury will save everyone the trouble of stashing money in special accounts in Qatar; they should have thought of it earlier.

The Donald J. Trump and Jefferson Memorial: The quotations about how “indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just: that his justice cannot sleep forever” will be allowed to remain, but a little animatronic statue of Stephen Miller will be installed next to them, shaking his head to show he doesn’t agree.

The Donald J. Trump Pentagon: Donald Trump wants this to be a hexagon for reasons he won’t articulate, and Pete Hegseth lives to oblige!

The Donald J. Trump and Vietnam Veterans Memorial: What is this big, depressing V made from dark stone covered in little tiny names? Suckers and losers, no doubt. Make it a big T instead, all white marble, with the names of donors in gold letters.

The Donald J. Trump Supreme Court: Instead of blind justice standing on the steps (we can do better than some kind of visually impaired woman who is probably dispensing justice to any and all comers without fear or favor), this building will now feature one of those guys covered in gold paint who pretends to be a statue, so he can see who is trying to get justice and let the majority know Trump’s feelings about him so they can vote accordingly.

The Korean War Veterans Memorial: Trump will leave this one alone because he forgot it was there.

The Donald J. Trump and Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial: Demolished, obviously.

The Donald J. Trump National Archives: These will first be closed to the public and then scanned carefully for any maps leading to treasure; they will be reopened free to the public only if they contain nothing of value.

The Donald J. Trump U.S. Capitol: This will also be closed for the next two years for “renovations,” except to peaceful and patriotic tour groups. See if Mike Johnson dares to object!

The Donald J. Trump and Smithsonian Institution: After all of the exhibitions have been clawed through to remove all evidence of a very objectionable, political thing called “history,” these buildings will be left temporarily intact until reduced crowds drive a move for renovations. Then Trump will announce that they are being closed on July 4 as a special patriotic tribute (“Those who don’t learn history will … make America great again!”), to be reopened after two years as an imperial palace. Just as the Founders would have wished!

The Donald J. Trump and Lincoln Memorial: Trump will add a large gold statue of himself standing with his hand on Abraham Lincoln’s shoulder to imply that Lincoln is sitting in Trump’s chair and Trump is being patient about it, but his patience might run out soon. Lincoln’s Second Inaugural Address will remain visible, but just barely, because the text of Trump’s Second Inaugural Address will be superimposed on it in a very small font to make room for all of the text, completely obscuring any reference to the better angels of our nature.