The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Pete Hegseth

Defense Secretary Pete Hegeth’s time overseeing the nation’s largest governmental agency has proven contentious owing to frequent security leaks, norm violations, and attacks on journalists. The Onion sat down with the military veteran and former Fox News host to discuss his tenure so far.

The Onion : Mr. Secretary, thank you for joining us. If you could invade any country, what would it be?

Hegseth: Great question! I’d start with a two-week campaign in Colombia, a coup in Thailand…ooh, and maybe a covert operation in Cappadocia—I still haven’t been.

How do you plan on enforcing your new grooming standards for service members? 

At the start of every day, troops will be required to rise from their barracks and come give me a little kiss. If it’s scratchy, they’re fired. No bullshit, no exceptions.

Describe your vision for the future of America’s military. 

The beach volleyball scene from Top Gun, but the ball is a severed head.

Can you explain how the physical fitness requirements are changing? 

No one’s allowed to be taller than me.

What do you have against DEI programs? 

They make men pay a $20 cover while women drink for free. Does that sound fair to you?

Do you have any concerns about the U.S. military’s combat readiness? 

Every time I step into a barracks, I’m immediately duct-taped, covered in cake makeup, given a brassiere and rosy red lips, and then forced to strut my stuff before an adoring public. If that doesn’t tell you something’s wrong, I don’t know what will.

How do you get enough protein throughout your day? 

I signed up for the Farmer’s Dog and said I was a 200-pound German shepherd named Beast Mode.

Switching topics: What part of the U.S. Constitution says it’s acceptable to use the military against American civilians? 

Page 310 of Project 2025.

Do you regret any of your tattoos? 

I got one with Lisa Loeb lyrics back when I was going through a total Lilith Fair phase. I keep
it as a reminder that tastes change.

Have you ever actually taken another man’s life? 

I’ve got some pretty impressive dents in my truck’s grille, but I’d be lying if I said I remembered what made them.

That’s not really water is it? 

No, it’s blue Powerade with enough vodka in it to make it clear.

Has your relationship with your mother recovered since last year’s leaked email wherein she called you an “abuser of women”? 

I’m sure she meant that as a compliment.

What would you say to the people who claim the changes you’ve implemented are racist, sexist, and transphobic? 

Thank you.

Would you ever consider running for office? 

No, no. President Trump has assured me that, when the time comes, a campaign won’t be necessary.

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