Your Career Aptitude Tests Results Suggest Bridge Troll
This letter is to inform you that your career aptitude test evaluation is complete. Your recommended career: Bridge Troll.
Here at the Career Aptitude Institute, we evaluate thousands of tests each year from students all over the country. In the entire history of our organization, we have never seen results that so confidently aligned a student with a specific path. Typically, the results yield a mix of career options (civil engineer: 43 percent match; project manager: 28 percent match, etc.). Your results, however, were about as clear as they come. Bridge Troll: 99.98 percent match. This is especially unprecedented, as our computers typically have a 2 percent margin of error.
We understand these results may come as a surprise to you. It is highly likely you weren’t aware that a career like this even existed. While bridge trolling is undoubtedly a niche and undervalued role, rest assured, it is vital to the economic health of any developed nation.
What exactly does a Bridge Troll do, you ask? Job duties include, but aren’t limited to:
- Guarding a bridge (or overpass)
- Posing riddles to prospective pedestrians
- Maintaining a proper troll-like appearance
Truly, this career has it all: creativity, customer-facing dynamics, a pointy hat. We must say, many of us at the institute were quite jealous of your results, and momentarily resentful that our aptitude tests of yesteryear strongly suggested a career in career aptitude evaluation. Oh well, c’est la vie.
How does one begin a career in bridge trolling? It is a remarkably succinct process: Simply find a bridge that is currently troll-less and set up shop.
Many of your fellow students will soon find themselves toiling with résumés, references, and interviews. But a career in bridge trolling removes you from the tedium of the job hunt. You will truly be your own boss.
How did we come to these results? Our computers are programmed to analyze several factors in a student’s test results, including logic, problem-solving skills, and adaptability.
You, unfortunately, displayed none of these capabilities. In fact, you were so severely lacking that the computer circumvented many of its typical, less desirable career suggestions, such as porta-john attendant, human crash-test dummy, or carnival dunk-booth attaché. All those positions actually require a level of talent and/or ability, so, naturally, they were deemed unobtainable for you.
The most exciting part about these results is that you no longer have any obligation to continue your academic studies. Based on your results, we assume this comes as a great relief to you. The bridge-trolling field requires little formal education—none whatsoever, to be precise. If you are reading this letter at school, you may leave at any moment and head straight for the nearest bridge. Don’t bother taking your books; they have clearly not done you any good.
We wish you luck in your future endeavors and hope you have a long and fruitful career scaring children and menacing the general public.
Sincerely,
The American Institute for Career Aptitude Evaluation, First & Second Grade Division