Dear Abby: Man's mother feels left out of family gatherings
DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law, "Louise," died of cancer five years ago. She was 45; my son, "Pete," was 48. They'd been married for 15 years and had no children.
Three years ago, Pete met "Shelly" through a mutual friend, and they were immediately attracted to each other. Within a year, they were living together and seem very happy. Shelly has two grown children and three grandchildren. Her mother is also in the picture. I have met her a few times, and she was very pleasant.
What bothers me is that Pete's "new family" doesn't include me. They're aware that I'm on social media and can see all the photos they post — doing things with the kids and their great-grandma — which is lovely. I'd just like to be included once in a while.
This past weekend, I saw another post of all of them, with photos captioned: "Enjoying a leisurely brunch with the whole family." I was stunned when I realized they were in a cafe that is literally across the street from my apartment, but I wasn't asked to join them. I won't bring it up because I'm afraid I'll be seen as a whiny, insecure old lady. But still, it felt like a deliberate snub.
I have kept a low profile and tried not to be "that" relative who always finds things to meddle in or gripe about. Is there a way to express my feelings without a "poor pitiful me" attitude? — SNUBBED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR SNUBBED: It is possible that the dominant person in your son's household is his lady friend, and she arranges their activities. Talk to your son. Ask if you might have said or done something that has put Shelly off, which is why you have been sidelined. And then, instead of waiting to be asked, start doing some of the inviting yourself. (Be sure to include Shelly's mother when you do.)
DEAR ABBY: I'm stuck with an alcoholic husband. I do love him, but it's complicated. I don't have any family. My mom is 96, and I would never burden her with my problems. His family is in denial or whatever you call it. I have only my disability check, which isn't much. I can't find part-time work because of my age (I am 63). When my husband drinks, he becomes impossible to be around, packs up his stuff and leaves, and then demands that I apologize for his mistakes. I'm trapped. What can I do? — PRISONER IN TEXAS
DEAR PRISONER: Go online and search for the location of the nearest Al-Anon meeting (al-anon.org/info). Al-Anon is an offshoot of AA. There are many meetings, so it shouldn't be too hard to find one near you. These meetings are free; they do not charge. Once there, start listening and share what you are going through. If you do, you may learn methods for coping with your alcoholic husband. You may think you are alone right now, but you will soon realize you are far from it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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