Dear Abby: Wife discovers abusive husband is planning to go
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He is former military, suffers from PTSD, and has been verbally abusive and controlling since our wedding. I have always worked to support us, sometimes with two jobs. We have a 14-year-old son.
My husband has a sister who bought a house. I picked up items for her new home and looked at his phone to double-check the address. Among the recent messages my husband had sent to her was one in which he told her he was in hell living with me and he didn't give a damn about me. He also asked his sister if he could move in with her! (She was fine with that.) He said he would figure a way out, and that there was always a way out.
I am beyond devastated. I have always been supportive of him; now this. Part of me says I should be relieved. Why does it hurt so much? — SHOCKED IN TEXAS
DEAR SHOCKED: This "hurts so much" because you were caught flat-footed, without a clue that your husband is planning on leaving you. Be GLAD you know, because you haven't a moment to waste. Schedule an appointment with an attorney who can help you protect yourself from the financial assault that's coming. If there are assets in the marriage, find out exactly what they are and take your cues from your lawyer. I am rooting for you.
DEAR ABBY: As a single parent with two children, ages 9 and 10, I am in a challenging situation. I have been diagnosed with pulmonary arterial hypertension, a serious heart-lung illness that progressively worsens. Although I am classified as physically disabled, advancements in new medications have significantly improved my condition compared to when my children were younger.
My mother helps me with cleaning my apartment each week, and I truly appreciate and often need her support. She holds a key to my home for emergencies. However, during her visits when we are out, she has removed items from my apartment without my consent. When I have mentioned this to her, she has manipulated my feelings and denied any wrongdoing, despite being caught in the act several times. Am I wrong for being angry about this? — VIOLATED IN OREGON
DEAR VIOLATED: You are right for feeling your trust has been violated. It has been. Your mother's gaslighting you about it is shameful. If there is an alternative to your mother helping with the housekeeping, please consider availing yourself of it. Contact your state department of social services (as well as your doctor) to find out if there are programs to help you with maintaining your household. If that is not possible, you will have to lock up any items of value you don't want to go missing because of your light-fingered, entitled mother.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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