Asking Eric: The running club’s campout tested our marriage
Dear Eric: I’ve been married to my second husband for almost five years. We belong to a running group that is more about having beers together than actually running for fitness.
Some of the female members have taken a liking to my husband. One started sending him text messages, up to five times a day. He said he didn’t know how to tell her not to message him, even though she’d asked if they could share a tent on a group trip that I wasn’t going on.
Every fall our group has a campout. Some of the things that take place are just not for me. As soon as it gets dark, everybody takes all of their clothes off, stands around in a circle goofing around and comparing each other, and then goes for a short run naked.
I worked the weekend of the campout and didn’t go. When he got back, I asked him if he had participated in the naked run. He had, and he also won an activity that they do that involves running around naked with a trail of toilet paper that’s on fire stuck to your butt.
I was extremely hurt and felt like he disrespected our boundaries. Married men don’t have that kind of fun when their wife isn’t around and women who have expressed interest are.
He blamed me for working so many hours. Then he told me that he’s looking into seeing a therapist because he doesn’t know why he keeps doing activities like this.
Am I just being difficult for not having any pity for him?
– Running From Trouble
Dear Running: I’m no runner (bad knees) but I don’t think this is a running club. And it seems like you and your husband can’t quite agree on what it is either.
There are plenty of, let’s say, eccentric clubs in the world. But if one’s relationship to the club breaks the rules of a love relationship, then there’s an issue.
It makes sense for your husband to go to therapy. Separately, you both should look into couple’s counseling and have a conversation about what the ground rules and basic understandings of your marriage are. What are you expecting? What are you not getting? And what happens when the rules get broken?
Right now, it seems there’s been some fudging around what’s actually been agreed to. You’ll both be happier with clarity.
Dear Eric: For the past 10 years, a core group in our homeowners’ association has been very close.
We get together on weekends, have meals together, attend HOA events and even go on vacations with each other. One member of our group is the HOA president and has held that position for more than 20 years.
While the HOA board initially funded many improvements to our property, lately there’s been a lack of activity, and our common areas and infrastructure are deteriorating.
There’s almost no communication from our HOA board on property repairs or future projects. I addressed this lack of transparency with our HOA president many times over the years and offered my help to the HOA board to improve communication and transparency but was dismissed.
Since then, I helped organize a group of owners to address our concerns with the HOA board. Although some of our questions were answered, there still remains a lot of financial information that is unaccounted for.
My questioning of HOA bylaws and procedures has caused a rift in our core group, and now certain friends have shunned me and blamed me for ruining the core group dynamics. I’ve been respectful and cordial when our group has gotten together but it’s not the same.
Losing these long-term friendships has been hurtful and has bothered me for a while. However, I feel strongly about standing up for what’s right, even if it costs friendships.
Can you give me any advice on how to deal with this recent loss of friends?
– Under Fire
Dear Under Fire: It can be really tough to rock the boat, especially when friendship and business are intermingled. However, your friends are blaming you for asking valid questions of someone who is mishandling funds and directly impacting your quality of life. Your friends care too much about the boat and not enough about the storm around them.
Being right can be a cold comfort. You’re going to need to grieve those friendships that have fallen to the wayside. You may feel anger, frustration, sadness or other emotions. Talk to other friends, who are not involved, about the way you’re feeling. Don’t keep it bottled up.
What you’ll want to reach is a state of acceptance in which you can acknowledge that what happened wasn’t right and you don’t agree with what your friends did, but you’re releasing the expectation that you can change it.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.