ICE Issues Ransom Note Demanding $65 Billion If U.S. Wants To See Minnesota Again

WASHINGTON—Claiming the nation’s beloved North Star State was in peril, Immigration and Customs Enforcement issued a ransom note Tuesday that told the United States to pay $65 billion if it ever wanted to see Minnesota again. “The $65 billion should be placed in an unmarked federal appropriations bill—if it isn’t, that will be the end of your precious Minnesota,” read the note, a handmade letter assembled from magazine clippings and sent with what ICE claimed was the severed finger of Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz. “One protester will be killed every hour on the hour until our funding demands are met. The clock is ticking for the nation to finance the construction of new detention centers and provide recruitment bonuses for agents. In the meantime, it would be a shame if anything were to happen to the Land of 10,000 Lakes.” The ransom note went on to state that explosives had already been placed in population centers across Minnesota and would be detonated if the country attempted to scale back funding for the Department of Homeland Security.

The post ICE Issues Ransom Note Demanding $65 Billion If U.S. Wants To See Minnesota Again appeared first on The Onion.