Nothing Ever Good Enough For Captive

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Expressing frustration that his efforts to be accommodating continue to go unappreciated, area man Thomas Kemps confirmed Monday that nothing is ever good enough for the woman he has been holding captive in his basement for the past 39 days. “I give and I give, and what do I get in return? Not a single genuine thank-you,” said Kemps, explaining that he has provided the bound and gagged woman with a perfectly good mattress from the alley and the most expensive rope available at the hardware store, but she still finds things to complain about. “I work day and night to put dog food on the floor for her, and she gives me nothing but attitude and entitlement. First, she asks for a special bucket so she won’t have to shit in the corner, and then I have to hear her whine on and on about how the bucket is full. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize the Uber passenger I drugged and abducted was a princess. Seriously, I’m bending over backwards to help this girl out, and yet she still attempts to slash me in the face with a shard of broken glass. Just a totally ungrateful hostage.” At press time, Kemps was relieved to report that simply threatening to murder the woman’s children had really helped reset the tone of their relationship.

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