A Message from Your Federal Overlords

“Even as videos emerged that contradicted the government’s account, the Trump administration was in a race to control the narrative around the killing of Mr. Pretti, a registered nurse with no criminal record who was pinned down when immigration agents opened fire and killed him.” — New York Times

Given recent events in Minneapolis, we are issuing this updated guidance to ensure all residents remain calm, compliant, and emotionally manageable as operations continue.

1. What happened was not what happened.
While it may have looked like a shooting, it was actually a “rapid de-escalation outcome.” We recognize that phrases like that may sound invented, which is why we ask you to repeat them anyway.

If you witnessed something disturbing, please understand that witnessing is not evidence. Evidence is what exists after it has been reviewed by the people who require it not to exist.

2. The real problem is your reaction.
We regret to inform you that your anger is trending. This is deeply unhelpful. When the public reacts emotionally to repeated tragedies, it puts pressure on leadership to respond with something other than carefully selected words. We ask that you limit yourself to the approved emotional range: concerned but not furious, shaken but not mobilized, heartbroken but still able to return to normal programming.

3. Words matter, which is why we will choose yours for you.
Certain phrases have become popular among Minneapolis residents, including:

• “This is unacceptable.”
• “Why does this keep happening?”
• “Who is responsible?”

These phrases are inflammatory because they imply causality. To keep things calm, use safer language, such as:

• “A misunderstanding.”
• “A complex situation.”
• “Questions remain.”
• “Both sides.”

If you would like to express outrage, consider saying “This is concerning” while staring silently into the distance. This creates the sensation of accountability without the discomfort of actual accountability.

4. Do not document or record our operations. It makes us look bad.
Video footage can create unnecessary clarity. Clarity increases urgency. Urgency creates action. Action creates policy. Policy creates oversight. Oversight creates paperwork. Paperwork creates consequences. We hope you can understand why we must avoid this chain of events.

If you feel compelled to film, point your phone at the sky, where nothing is happening (yet).

5. Speaking truth to power is allowed, but only if power is not present.
In theory, we enthusiastically support peaceful protest. In practice, protest should be conducted in ways that are symbolic and easily ignored, like:

• Standing in a designated area.
• Chanting at volumes that do not interrupt brunch.
• Dispersing promptly before anyone with authority feels criticized.

Remember, the purpose of protest is to help you feel heard. It is not meant to actually change anything.

6. We take full responsibility, which is why no one will be held responsible.
An investigation will occur. It will take the necessary amount of time for public attention to eventually shift elsewhere. A statement will be released containing phrases such as “we take this seriously” and “protocols were adhered to,” followed by the crucial reminder that the people involved had a difficult job to do.

This is what justice looks like in our modern era: a press conference, a paragraph, a calendar invite for later, and zero accountability.

7. Remain calm. The process is working as designed.
If you’re confused about why this keeps happening, that’s a normal reaction when you assume systems exist primarily to protect the public and the innocent. Our process is not designed to prevent harm; our process is designed to absorb harm, manage headlines, and continue forward as scheduled.

If you find yourself getting angrier and angrier, this is also normal. It’s what happens when you are asked to accept repeated outcomes as unfortunate surprises instead of predictable results.

So, keep moving. Keep your eyes down. Keep your questions polite. Keep your anger to yourself. Our goal is not safety. Our goal is fear. Our goal is intimidation. Our goal is order. If enough people accept this, then we can finally have the America we want: where accountability is optional, truth is inconvenient, and silence is considered cooperation.

In short, please stop noticing what is happening. You are just making this harder.