Asking Eric: If we have to pay a 10% tip, we’d have to stop going to restaurants

Dear Eric: We are seniors (ages 76 and 77) on a limited income. Our living expenses are high for medical reasons. As a result, we carefully plan our restaurant visits.

Although we do not and never have frequented very expensive restaurants, we do enjoy several in the $$ range, or an occasional $$$.

We all know prices have skyrocketed, but when we add the “recommended” 10% to 15% tip, restaurant dining becomes unaffordable.

On the other hand, many restaurants are struggling to keep customers and stay open! So, what is the better choice: Tip less, or just not dine out and support these restaurants at all?

– Dining Dilemma

Dear Dining: I empathize with your concerns. The rising costs of food and overhead trickle down to the menu, making dining out a trickier enterprise, especially at a time when home budgets are shrinking. It makes for some difficult accounting.

However, the best solution is to treat yourself, while also not mistreating service staff. Consider your tip to be part of the cost of the meal and budget accordingly. This might mean that your total allowance for food goes down by 15% or 20% (the industry standard for tipping), which might translate to one less appetizer, one less drink, et cetera.

Tipping is a custom in America that has been built into the financial structure of the restaurant industry, which means that although it’s not required, to not tip means that someone else works for you for free.

Many diners complain that this isn’t something that they chose and if servers wanted to guarantee an income, they should choose another profession. What those diners fail to realize is that by choosing to go to a restaurant with tipped servers, they are choosing to be a part of this financial arrangement. If they didn’t want to be, they’d go to a buffet or a restaurant with no servers, or – the most ideal in my opinion – a restaurant that pays its servers a living wage and has built the costs of labor into their prices.

Many servers in this country are being paid a base rate of $2.13 an hour. More times than not, this gets completely eaten up by taxes, meaning that every time a server approaches your table, brings you food, explains the menu, makes a recommendation, prepares your cappuccino, or clears your plate, they are doing it for free. The same for the bartenders, whom the servers tip out, and the bussers.

You deserve a nice night out, but they also deserve to pay their bills. You can budget in a way that serves both.

Dear Eric: I guess I don’t know how to let it go. My sister is five years older. There was a problem during a visit she made with her grandson more than 10 years ago. Her husband caused chaos and confusion, but she blamed me.

She said she would never speak to me anymore, and she hasn’t.

Our beloved sister passed this year. I called to inform her; she grunted and hung up.

It is so hurtful. Any suggestions as to how to have one more conversation before we both leave this earth?

– Baffled

Dear Baffled: The conversation you’re looking for may not be the same as the conversation that’s possible. It’ll be helpful to right-size your expectations and proceed from a place of acceptance.

While it’s not totally clear what happened a decade ago, it clearly impacted your sister enough to sever all ties. This is a hard place from which to build, and I understand how hurtful it is. The silent treatment is not conducive to making amends or finding common ground.

It sounds like you want to reconnect with her. And while that’s understandable, it may not be doable right now given what she’s said and done. Indeed, her actions strongly suggest that she’s not open to it, for whatever reason.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t get any of what you want. But it may not come from her. I’d offer that in addition to clarity and connection, you’re also seeing closure. The latter may be the easiest to come by as it can start internally.

In lieu of a conversation, consider writing down your feelings in a letter. Express your love for her, your sadness over the split, your grief about your other sister, your disappointment about the way things have turned out. Anything that’s on your heart.

Use “I” statements so that it doesn’t sound like you’re blaming her. Settling the score isn’t the goal. The goal is simply to be heard.

I want to warn you: You may not get a response from this letter. But if you send it knowing that this might be a possibility, you’ll be in a better position to say what you need to say. Then you can release it, and this relationship, from expectations.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.