Asking Eric: Why does this fall to me, the sibling who actually has a job?

Dear Eric: My mother and late father sold vintage and secondhand items on auction sites for years to supplement their household budget. I taught my father to list online many years ago.

I work two jobs and also freelance. I’m unmarried, in my 50s, live a half-hour drive away from the family home, and also commute one hour each way during the week.

My 58-year-old brother lives with Mom. He was laid off just before the pandemic and hasn’t worked steadily since then. He also suffers from hoarding disorder and refuses to clear his items from the family home (only some rooms are now usable).

My pleas to put his items in storage (I will pay), take things to the dump or simply clear out to make things safe for Mom have been met with anger.

The hoarding seems dangerous to me; I’ve told Mom that I want to call social services, which upsets her, so I stop talking.

Mom keeps asking me to teach her to take digital photos and create online auction listings, something my Dad used to do. Meanwhile, my brother can use the computer just fine when he wants to find something he is interested in.

Every time I explain that I am working, it seems that Mom cannot hear me.

Do you have any ideas for how I may explain to Mom that I can’t easily help with the auctions, and how to convince my brother to help Mom?

– Helping Hand

Dear Hand: Your concerns about your brother’s hoarder tendencies and your frustrations about the work you’re being asked to do are separate issues but they’re likely related.

First the hoarding. Your fire department might have a hoarding task force that can make a house call. Or your local Area Agency on Aging might have additional resources. Yes, escalating your concerns will likely create conflict, but I’d argue the conflict is already simmering in your relationship.

Enlisting outside help will allow you to step back; the hoarding becomes one less thing for you to manage or worry about.

With regard to the auctions, it’s fine to let your no be a complete sentence and to kindly remind your mother of that and redirect her.

It’s not your responsibility to manage your brother on this one. I know the desired outcome is that he helps your mom and steps up more, but it seems that in an effort to make that happen, you’ve been saddled with another job – brother-minder. Resign from that position.

One last thought: You might take 15 minutes to write out instructions for taking digital photos and setting up the online auctions and give them to your mother and brother at the same time, explaining, that you don’t have the capacity to walk them through it or do it with them, but you know that they can work it out together.

Dear Eric: After four years of caregiving, my mom passed away from dementia. After that, I had to arrange for the selling of furnishings and the house.

My 65-year-old brother who shared the house with her has cerebral palsy and required round-the-clock care. So, I had to arrange all that.

I have a few longtime friends. During this approximately 18-month period, one friend went through and survived breast cancer and another lost her life to a brain tumor. Sadly, none of the other friends ever let me know about these sweet friends.

I know I can’t feel guilty about what I didn’t know about, but I feel like I needed support and still do as I mourn.

Am I so easily forgettable to not be included in these lifelong friends’ trials? I feel terribly inconsequential. The guilt I feel is becoming burdensome.

How do I move forward? They don’t include me now in anything. I know I was preoccupied, but it was with good reason.

– Feeling Lost

Dear Lost: I’m so sorry. To experience this kind of social loss after the loss of your mother and your friends is terrible.

I’m curious if you’ve been able to talk to your friends about what shifted in your relationship and how you feel about it.

It’s totally understandable if you haven’t had the capacity to hash it out. But some part of this may be due to miscommunication. I wonder if your friends have pulled back on updating you on hard news or their plans because they fear becoming burdens to you.

Of course, other explanations are possible. But it’s possible they’re going too far in an attempt to be sensitive to your needs.

Talk to them one-on-one about where you are, where you feel your relationship is, and what you’d like to be different. You may be surprised by what you hear from them, and they may be surprised by what you share.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.