I Am the Payroll Accountant for Professional Protestors in Minnesota, and I Am Swamped

“House Majority Whip Tom Emmer, R-Minn., slammed Minnesota state leaders after anti-Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agitators disrupted a church service in St. Paul… Emmer speculated many of the agitators were ‘chaos agents’ or paid protesters, adding that he believes the majority are from outside the state.” — Fox News

TO: All contract protest staff
FROM: Joyce

People, I am trying to work with you here and make sure you all get your sizable paychecks, but you need to work with me, too. If you are a contract employee, I absolutely need your W-9. And that means your ACTUAL LEGAL NAME. I’m getting too many forms in here with names like “A. Concerned Citizen” and “Fight D. Power,” and while I don’t know you or your family history, I just don’t think those are accurate.

TO: All hourly protest staff
FROM: Joyce

Hi, everyone. I know things are hectic as heck right now, but please be sure to fill out your timesheets every Friday by 5 p.m. Central. I can’t pay you unless I know your hours. Please also try to be accurate. Someone turned in a timesheet, and under the hours, they just wrote “CONSTANT VIGILANCE.” Well, those are just not numbers. And I don’t think you’re vigilant when you’re asleep, now are you?

And honestly, you have time to fill out those timesheets. If you’re a passenger in a car following ICE agents, just jot it down on the dashboard!

TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce

I’ve been getting questions about disclosing your legal name and Social Security number to the government you are presently fighting. I understand your concern. All I can tell you is that the CFO, the CEO, and everyone else in upper management at Antifa have told me that since this is a legitimate centralized organization, we must follow the rules. Any questions, please check with your manager, see the flowchart on the company intranet for clarification if needed.

Also, remember: The government has been unable to find evidence that you are paid protestors or even any records of our organization. These are not very bright guys. You should be fine.

TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce

Hotdish in the breakroom. Help yourself. Thanks to all the highly paid parents patrolling school drop-off and pickup for this delicious surprise!

TO: All professional actors
FROM: Joyce

First, let me say how honored we all are to have real actors on the team. I’m concerned that your “method” approach is creating problems with paperwork. You all insist that you’re not actors but regular Minnesotans moved to action by the emergency in your community. I want to remind you that we held those auditions in New York (two monologues and a song) and brought you here. Don’t forget: Your union classifies all this as regional theater.

TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce

To clear up any confusion: YES, I’m real, YES, you’re getting paid, NO, this isn’t a hastily written humor bit. The president confirmed it, and there is no greater source of truth and reason than him.

TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce

The accounting department needs to take additional steps to track our sizable funding. On future invoices and timesheets, please designate your “team,” so we know which donor account to draw from. You should have already received an email as to whether you are on Team Soros, Team Obama, Team Illuminati, Team Secretive Jewish Cabal, The Cheney Family We’re As Surprised As You Are Team, or Oprah’s Very Special Protest Club.

TO: All protest staff
FROM: Just got word: raises all around! Thanks to our new sponsor, Meow Mix!

TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce

Well, this is kind of a shocker. I have many paychecks here at my desk that haven’t been picked up. Several of you have reached out to say you’re “not paid protestors,” that you’re doing this “out of a burning need to protect our community,” that you’ve “never imagined being this righteously pissed off,” and that your professional status “is an asinine delusion or crass lying propaganda.”

Be that as it may, please pick up your checks anyway. They’re crowding poor Joyce’s desk.

TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce

I’ve been getting more questions about what counts as work hours.

The company picnic DOES count as work time, but it is postponed again, due to sub-zero temperatures and the ongoing presence of secret police who abduct and disappear human beings, including five-year-old children. Maybe we have it around Memorial Day.

If you are arrested, disappeared, or taken to a concentration camp domestically or abroad, that ALSO counts as twenty-four work hours per day and not PTO. Having direct deposit, I’ll remind you, is a great idea.

TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce

Hey, there’s a big recycling bin in the break room filled with cash. Help yourself. Tax-free. Thank you to our new sponsor, Mall of America!