Trump beats Danish prime minister to death with Nobel Peace Prize

DAVOS, Switzerland — President Donald Trump on Wednesday used his recently-acquired Nobel Peace Prize to bludgeon the prime minister of Denmark to death, sources confirmed today.

The killing occurred during a highly contentious meeting over the fate of Greenland between dozens of world leaders at the World Economic Forum in Davos, where the 79-year-old president reportedly lunged at Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen and struck her repeatedly with a framed Peace Prize Trump had received earlier as a gift from Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado.

“I’m getting Greenland, one way or the other,” Trump said while delivering sustained and methodical blows, bloodying the award typically granted “to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations” over the past year. Indeed, Trump has worked tirelessly since his inauguration to bring much of the world together by uniting them in shared anger at the United States.

“I’m done thinking purely of peace,” Trump added, momentarily pausing to wipe blood from the frame with his tie and checking his reflection in the shattered glass before continuing.

The unprecedented murder of a world leader at the hands of another followed weeks of Trump threatening to use military force to take “complete and total control of Greenland.” According to White House sources, the president views ownership of the island as strategically essential, aesthetically pleasing, and extremely helpful in distracting from the Epstein files.

"See? I promised I wouldn't use military force," Trump said as he caught his breath. "Tell Rubio that I just stopped another war. Add it to the list."

In the immediate aftermath, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent urged stunned European leaders to remain calm.

“Sit back, take a deep breath, do not retaliate, do not retaliate,” Bessent said, while aides quietly removed shards of glass and wood fragments from the floor.