Asking Eric: These old men are annoying but I can’t afford to alienate them

Dear Eric: I’m a freelance contractor, and a few years ago, I joined my local chamber of commerce and other networking groups to connect with potential clients.

I was excited at first, but now I’m not sure what to do.

The chamber of commerce is mostly older men, and I’m a woman in my 30s. In these settings, the men tend to talk down to me or dismiss my expertise. For example, I’ve given educational presentations in my spare time, only to have attendees crack jokes or ask questions as if they were testing me.

One member, a paying client, told me I could “learn a thing or two” by working with him – after I’d already explained my more than 10 years in the field. It felt condescending and dismissive.

Part of me wants to call these comments out, but this business is my livelihood, and I can’t afford to alienate anyone. How do I handle situations like this?

– Feeling Dismissed

Dear Dismissed: First, I’m sorry you have to deal with this treatment. It’s not appropriate and it isn’t simply the price of doing business.

In dealing with the chamber or other places where you’re running into sexist treatment, you might want to create a strategic plan for your time.

Set clear, trackable goals for networking or lead generation or any other professional goal and then create action plans that get you to those goals. Anything that’s not part of your plan, you can avoid, including some of these condescending conversations.

I imagine it can feel like you have to put up with these comments on the off chance that these relationships could benefit your business. But that puts the chamber in the driver’s seat when, in fact, you’re in the driver’s seat.

Additionally, if there is a relationship that’s being impeded by sexism, it’s appropriate to give that feedback in a professional manner. Good business relationships are built on good communication and if they’re not communicating well with you, then no one is getting what they want or need.

Lastly, consider mentoring other women and younger business owners. You’ve been in the chamber for a few years, which means that you have an understanding of the lay of the land that will be helpful to others. Being proactive about connecting with business owners and contractors outside of the chamber may open the door for others to join, thereby widening your network.

Dear Eric: I am in my 60s and I have one child, who is in his early 30s. He lives in another state several hours away.

I love him dearly and I have always longed to spend more time with him, but he and his wife (who I really like) are very busy with work and hobbies.

When I ask about visiting him, it’s never the right time, so I don’t. He’s very nice to me on the phone and in texts but is pretty snotty in person. I’m not sure why, except we butted heads a lot when he was growing up because we’re exactly alike.

When he’s here, he just wants to flop on our couch, take us for granted, and generally act like a 14-year-old. He never wants to do anything with us, either.

They do make a big effort to see us during the holidays. I think he loves me, but he prefers to see me in small doses. I’m OK with that.

But the little time we spend together means that I don’t know him or his wife very well. I send gift cards for birthdays, but I have to ask if they arrived, and I don’t get thanked until then. Interestingly, for Christmas, they do a wonderful job of finding thoughtful gifts for me, and they never forget to call on my birthday or Mother’s Day.

I find great pleasure in giving them gifts I think they would like, but I don’t feel like I know them well enough to do that. Under these circumstances, how can I get to know them better?

– Love at a Distance

Dear Distance: Since you have a nice time over the phone, you might start to think of your conversations as the core of your relationship and use those talks as an opportunity to ask deeper questions.

You might even start by asking him what some of his favorite gifts have been and why. This can give you clues for new gifts but also inspire follow-up questions that relate more to his personality and habits.

I know it’s harder to get to know someone over the phone, but it sounds like there’s a barrier that pops up for him whenever he’s home. That could be something you two could unpack together or separately. But the phone calls seem to be a great place where you can build safely.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.