I, Don Quixote, Vow to Conquer Greenland

“In a free-wheeling speech to world leaders at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, President Trump…touched on his desire to obtain Greenland from Denmark…, America’s contribution to Nato, and wind energy in China.” —BBC

Fellow knights, I have traveled a great distance to be here in beautiful Davos, Holy Roman Empire, to attend this year’s meeting of the Knights Templar. I come bringing truly phenomenal news from La Mancha. This week marked the one-year anniversary of my knighthood, and after twelve months of roaming the plains atop my trusty steed, Rocinante, I have slain giants, restored chivalry, and transformed our scoundrel-plagued lands into the safest in the known world.

My detractors insist that all of my enemies are imaginary and that I am picking fights with bogeymen simply to satisfy my own deluded fantasies. That just shows you how threatened some people are by the incredible job I’m doing cleaning up La Mancha.

Yet, despite my efforts to combat lawlessness, I continue to be denied the Noble Peace Prize—the annual prize awarded to the nobleman who has done the most to establish order throughout his fiefdom. I can only assume this is a deliberate snub, especially considering I am the man who created the Board of Peace—the council of Christian knights committed to bringing peace to Jerusalem by launching a crusade against the Mamluk Sultanate. If starting a holy war doesn’t merit a Noble Peace Prize, I don’t know what does.

If Europe’s nobility refuses to laud my commitment to peace, then I see no reason why I should continue those efforts. That is why I have decided to conquer the Viking territory of Greenland, regardless of how many of my critics call it “petty” or “pointless” or “kindergarten logic.”

Besides, who is to say that Greenland belongs to the Vikings, or to the indigenous Thule people who were there before them? Possession is determined by the possessor. Sort of like when I “took possession” of Dulcinea even though she was underage and didn’t consent—another so-called scandal my adversaries like to bring up time and time again.

When I first saw Greenland on a map, I thought it was giant. As it turned out, it only looked gigantic because of the way it was drawn on those new maps by Gerardus Mercator. But just because Greenland isn’t literally gigantic doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be a gigantic acquisition for the people of La Mancha.

Some are saying that occupying a territory thousands of miles from La Mancha, with which we already have an alliance, will do nothing to make our people safer. But those are the same naysayers who thought that destroying windmills was a bad idea. The fact that there’s now a word, “quixotic,” to describe a quest that most people believe to be foolhardy is just further proof of my singular genius.

Europe’s leadership has long pursued a failed strategy when it comes to windmills. There are windmills all over Europe now, and one thing I’ve noticed is that the more windmills a country has, the more money that country loses and the worse that country is doing. Just look at the Dutch. They’re famously short, poor, and miserable.

To this day, I attack any windmill I see until I’ve hacked the vanes to pieces with my sword. And, sure, that’s a clear violation of the Nobleman’s Agreement to Operate Windmills—or NATOW. But disregarding that agreement will be the best decision La Mancha has ever made. If there are any windmills in Greenland, you can be sure I’ll destroy those too.

In the meantime, I’ve sent a special envoy to Greenland, led by my trusty squire, Sancho Panza, to broker the peaceful transfer of the territory to La Mancha. If that fails, I’m not ruling out taking it by force. I’ll happily go to war with all of Europe if I have to. After all, it’s exactly what a Noble Peace Prize winner would do.