Dear Abby: Couple's marriage is mired in the doldrums of middle age
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together 30-plus years. When our love was new, it was all smiles, hand-holding and thrills when we saw each other after a long day at work or school. And, I guess, that's normal.
Now, three kids and three grandkids later, we're edging past our mid-50s and there isn't much left. There are no more smiles and no more hand-holding, only two sad adults. We still love each other. Neither of us wants to be apart from the other, but we don't know how to bring back happiness.
We hardly touch, and neither of us remembers the last time we smiled or even really laughed. We sit in the same room, living two completely different lives. I am partially disabled, so there are no more long walks or outside activities, which we used to do 20 years ago.
We are now wondering: Is this the rest of our lives? Are we going to spend the next 20-plus years in a depressing marriage in which we love each other but no longer have anything in common? Our youngest daughter is 8, and our youngest grandson is 5. We watch the kids (15, 9, 8, 5) in the evening so our eldest can work. Is there any hope for us? — SAD SPOUSE IN NEW YORK
DEAR SAD SPOUSE: You say that you and your husband love each other. There is hope for reviving your marriage if you agree to go to couples counseling together. Marriage involves more than smiles, hand-holding and thrills. It is a deep and caring partnership. Few couples can sustain the excitement of their honeymoon years. You and your husband have already done the hard work. Now you need to find your way back together.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were dining with friends in a high-end restaurant. The food was great, and so was the conversation. My husband leaned close to me and whispered, "She's brushing her teeth!" I glanced to my left. I had thought the gal at the next table was just using a toothpick. No, she was vigorously brushing with a full-sized toothbrush!
After about a minute, she placed the toothbrush into a cosmetic bag and pulled out a denture container. She then proceeded to insert and adjust her retainer. We were flabbergasted. Never in all my years have I seen such appalling table manners. Perhaps we shouldn't have been staring, but it was one of those moments in which you are frozen to the spot.
Abby, that restaurant has very nice bathrooms. What is happening to our society? — SHOCKED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR SHOCKED: I understand why this woman's performance stopped you cold. But, please, don't blame "society" for her ignorance of the rules of etiquette, which dictate that to avoid grossing out those around us in public, we should excuse ourselves from the table and take care of our oral hygiene privately, IN THE RESTROOM if needed.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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