What to Do If Your Friends Keep Leaving You Out

Early in Kip Williams’ career as a social psychologist, he was at the park with his dog in Des Moines, Iowa, when a flying disc landed on his blanket. The guys it belonged to were clearly waiting for it, so Williams stood up and tossed it to them. To his surprise, as he prepared to sit down, they threw it back to him. “Suddenly I was part of a three-person toss,” he says. “We didn’t speak to each other or anything; we were just throwing it around. A couple minutes went by, and then, for reasons I still don’t know to this day, they stopped throwing it to me.”

[time-brightcove not-tgx=”true”]

As Williams settled back onto his blanket to pet his dog, he recalls feeling awkward and hurt. “They weren’t important to me in my life, but it was a powerful feeling,” he says, which inspired him to replicate the experience in his lab. Now a distinguished professor emeritus in the department of psychological sciences at Purdue University, Williams has spent decades studying social exclusion and rejection. His research suggests that when people are ostracized—even by strangers—it negatively affects their sense of belonging, control, and  self-esteem, as well as their overall mood. “It’s a very primitive response—it doesn’t take much for it to impact us in big ways,” he says. “Only two minutes of [exclusion] by strangers is sufficient to have a very large effect.”

Being excluded by the people you consider your closest friends hits even harder. We asked experts what to do when your friends leave you out—and how to address it in a clear but compassionate way.

Don’t jump to conclusions

People tend to make assumptions in friendships: She’s not talking to me because of this; he must be mad at me; they don’t want me around anymore. In reality, there are many possible reasons why you’re feeling left out of your friend group. “Think of all the different kinds of dynamics that can shift a friendship,” says Victoria Smith, a therapist in Los Angeles. Distance can play a role, like when high-school friends scatter across the country. If someone’s political or religious beliefs change, that can matter, too. 

Not to mention: Busy schedules, new romantic partners, caregiving responsibilities, or even mental-health struggles can alter how much energy someone has for group plans. Sometimes what feels like rejection is really a mismatch in timing, priorities, or communication styles, says Gabriella Azzam-Forni, a clinical psychologist whose clients often come to her with friend-group troubles. “The other person or people involved might be going through their own stuff,” she adds. “We tend to personalize it, like, ‘I must have done something,’ vs. ‘Maybe they’re going through something.’”

Consult another friend

You don’t need to bad-mouth your other friends about the friend who “forgot” to invite you to brunch two weekends in a row. But it can be helpful to approach a neutral third-party like this: “I’m feeling a little distance from Amanda. Is that something you’re feeling too?”

Read More: The One Word That Can Destroy a Friendship

“If they say, ‘No, we haven’t seen it,’ you can take a moment to pause and go, ‘Maybe this was a one-off. Let me just sit with it for a while longer,’” Smith says. If they say yes, on the other hand, it can be reassuring to know you’re not alone in noticing the change, which may make the situation feel less personal and confusing. That’s helpful information, as long as you’re seeking perspective over gossip, she adds.

Bring it up without blame

If feeling left out turns into a pattern—as opposed to a one-off incident—it makes sense to approach your friends about it. Azzam-Forni likes these low-pressure conversation starters, which open the door to honesty without putting the other person on the defensive:

• “I’ve been feeling a little left out lately and wanted to check in rather than make assumptions.”
• “This feels a bit vulnerable to say, but I feel like something’s been off between us—can we talk about it?”
• “I really value our friendship and love spending time together, and I’ve noticed things feel different lately. Do you feel that too?”
• “I’d love to be included when plans are coming together.”
• “I’ve noticed I’m sometimes out of the loop in the group chat, and I wanted to flag it—being included means a lot to me.”

These are all thoughtful ways of naming the issue without turning it into a confrontation, she adds. They make it clear you value the relationship, while leaving space for the other person to share their perspective.

Pay attention to how your friends respond

People in every type of relationship will inevitably have disagreements. The way you work through the discomfort is telling, Azzam-Forni says. For example, if you get vulnerable with your friend about feeling left out, it’s possible she could attack you or blow you off. She might respond like this: “I don’t get why you’re making such a big deal about this,” refusing to engage in a productive conversation. 

“In a healthy friendship, we’re able to bring these things to our people, and they’re able to respond in a healthy way,” Azzam-Forni says. “We can have these conversations, which will actually make the relationship even stronger over the long run.”

Read More: How to Know if Your Friendship Is Toxic—and What to Do About It

If your friends continue to pull away, even after you’ve told them you feel left out, consider it your answer—though not the one you hoped for. While you can continue to care about them, it’s usually best not to make them your top priority, Smith says.

She suggests setting a boundary. If you feel like you’re the one always having to initiate plans, and your friends never reciprocate, for example, you might decide: “I’m not getting what I’m needing from this friendship, so I’m going to reach out to somebody else and see if they’re free. I’m not going to constantly pursue anyone if I’m not getting my own needs met.”

Give yourself grace

As part of Williams’ research, he’s had people undergo fMRI scans while playing a virtual ball-tossing game in which they were ultimately excluded. The result: “Ostracism activates the same pain regions of the brain that are activated when you put your hand on a flame or in ice-cold water, or you hurt yourself in some physical way,” he says. “We suffer psychologically and physically.”

Not everyone suffers to the same extent from this pain: factors like personality and culture determine how you cope, Williams adds. Still, people tend to initially react in a few different ways. Some try to make themselves more likeable, going along with whatever their group wants or says in an effort to fit back in, and apologizing often—even if they’re not sure why. Others become angry and retaliate against their former friends. Or they might isolate themselves in hopes of preventing any future rejection or exclusion.

Read More: 8 Things to Say During a Fight With Your Partner

No matter how you feel, be kind to yourself. Exclusion can shake your sense of worth and belonging, and it’s OK if it takes time to regain your footing. “I’d like to say there’s an easy fix,” Williams says, but people are complicated, and repairing or letting go of friendships takes time and patience. His best advice: Lean into your healthy, fulfilling, mutually supportive friendships.

“Nurture the relationships with people who are still paying attention to you and acknowledging you and respecting you and connected to you,” Williams says, “rather than going after, ‘What can I do to get this person to talk to me?’”

Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com