Harriette Cole: I know what’s happening when my wife dashes into the house
DEAR HARRIETTE: I think my wife is having bladder issues, but I imagine that may be a sensitive topic, so I’m not sure how to bring it up.
Over the past year or so, I’ve noticed a change in how frequently she needs to use the restroom and the urgency she experiences. There have also been some instances where it seems like she didn’t make it to a restroom in time. For example, sometimes she’ll run into the house from running errands, but I can see that she’s already leaked a bit (or more than a bit).
I don’t want to embarrass her by pointing out something that she may already feel insecure about, but I do want her to know that some of these changes come with age and are nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve looked up some solutions (like adult diapers or incontinence underwear), but I’m not sure of the best way to share them with my wife without bruising her ego.
Any advice?
— Can’t Hold It
DEAR CAN’T HOLD IT: Tell your wife you need to discuss something sensitive with her. Mention that you have noticed that she seems to need to urinate more frequently and sometimes has little accidents. Tell her what you have found in your search for solutions; you might even buy some of the incontinence underwear for her.
Recommend that she see her internist to find out if she can do anything else about this issue. It could be that she has a temporary condition that can be addressed.
Apologize if you have embarrassed her. Explain that you love her and want to make sure she is comfortable.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I hate to admit it, but I have always been jealous of my best friend.
We’ve been friends since high school; now we’re in our 50s, and I’m still jealous of her. She’s always been extremely beautiful, and she’s super smart. She and her husband are millionaires and have three amazing children. I, however, barely even make $40,000 per year, and I’m divorced.
I truly love her and value our friendship, but I can’t deny that every time we talk, I feel a pit in my stomach.
When she talks about her vacations, her beautiful home or how proud she is of her children, I smile and act happy for her, but inside I feel like a failure. I start comparing every part of my life to hers, and I always come up short.
It makes me feel small, inadequate and ashamed of where I am in life. Sometimes I even find myself avoiding her calls or spending less time with her because I don’t like the person I become when I’m around her: resentful, insecure and bitter.
I feel guilty because she has never been anything but kind and supportive of me. She doesn’t brag, she doesn’t flaunt anything and she has always been a good friend. The jealousy is coming entirely from me.
How can I let go and enjoy our friendship without constantly feeling like I’m less than she is?
— Low Self-Esteem
DEAR LOW SELF-ESTEEM: Try to forgive yourself for your jealousy. Offer her blessings for the bounty of her life and ask for reminders to be grateful for what is yours.
Live your life; stop trying to live hers. If you cannot, you will need to step away from her. It’s not fair to either of you to envy her and diminish yourself.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.