Harriette Cole: The son I didn’t know I had is upsetting my household

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently welcomed my adult son into my home. I didn’t know him as he was growing up; I learned about him when he was already 18, and since then we’ve stayed in touch through visits, calls and texts.

When his mother passed away, he asked to move in with me. My wife and daughters supported the decision, and he’s been living with us for about a year now.

He’s 25, has a steady job and is even considering school, which I’m proud of. At home, however, he’s become demanding and dismissive. He was much kinder before he moved in. Now it feels like he resents me and wants to punish me for not being there when he was younger.

I tried talking to him — and even apologized for my absence — but he snapped at me and said I think too highly of myself and my impact on him.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am walking on eggshells now, with no sound resolution on how to change the dynamic in my own home. Any input?

— Walking on Eggshells

DEAR WALKING ON EGGSHELLS: Sit down and talk to your son. Ask what’s bothering him. Remind him that he has been through a lot and you are doing your best to be there for him, but you do not appreciate his current behavior.

Probe to see what is going on in his life that has triggered this new negativity. Suggest that he go to therapy to address some of his issues.

If he refuses to make an effort, you may need to encourage him to find his own place. It is not OK for him to be disrespectful in your home. He needs to understand boundaries. You have to draw the line.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter always wants me to babysit her children. I love my grandchildren dearly, but I am in my 80s and they are rambunctious and active, so it’s hard for me to keep up with them.

I hate to tell my daughter no because she and her husband both work and are busy, so the extra help is necessary. She often phrases it as, “Mom, you’re the only one I trust,” which makes me feel even more pressured to say yes.

On the rare occasion when I gently hint that it’s getting hard for me, she becomes defensive and reminds me of how much she helped me in the past, which makes me feel guilty.

I don’t want to cause tension or seem ungrateful, selfish or like I don’t love my family. At the same time, I want to enjoy what time I have left with some peace. I have my own health issues, doctor appointments and days when I simply don’t feel strong enough to chase after young children.

I wish my daughter would understand that I’m not the same woman I was 20 years ago. I want to be part of my grandchildren’s lives, but I don’t want to feel obligated, overwhelmed or like I’m being taken advantage of.

How do I set boundaries without hurting my daughter’s feelings or damaging our relationship?

— Tired Grandma

DEAR TIRED GRANDMA: In very direct terms, let your daughter know that you cannot do as much as you could in the past. You have physical limitations.

Decide how often you believe you can watch her children — maybe once a week for a set amount of time. Be firm for your own health and for the safety of her children.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.