Harriette Cole: My child witnessed my unfortunate exchange with this woman
DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter has vitiligo and is adjusting to the changes in her skin and hair.
She’s only 7 years old, and as most of us know, kids can be insensitive. Some of her classmates can be judgmental, so it’s been an uphill battle reminding her how beautiful she is, and that the differences in her appearance don’t make her any different from everyone else.
Last weekend at a party, a woman there asked, “What’s wrong with her face?” This is someone I’ve met before, but we are not friends. I was shocked at this person’s choice of words, and her inappropriate concern with my daughter’s skin condition. I snapped.
I think I took it too far, and in the midst of chewing out this woman, I realized that my daughter heard the whole exchange. We went home both feeling defeated.
Part of me wants to apologize to this woman, but I’m torn because I see how her question has impacted my daughter. Should I feel guilty or focus my energy on my daughter’s self-esteem?
— Protective Mom
DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: What’s most important is for you to talk to your daughter. You can express your belief that you may have gone too far when you snapped back at the woman at the party. While she was insensitive, it wasn’t the best thing for you to verbally attack her. Chalk it up to you hating when people are unkind to your daughter.
Talk directly about your daughter’s condition. Share whatever the doctor has explained, which includes how to take care of her skin regarding light sensitivity and sun protection. Then address how she looks: different. Be clear that different does not mean better or worse.
Show her pictures of the model Winnie Harlow, a Canadian model who went from being bullied and considering suicide to becoming a contestant on Tyra Banks’ “America’s Next Top Model” and subsequently, a supermodel. Though her life has been fraught with criticism and unkindness, she was able to adopt a positive attitude about herself and celebrate her beauty.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother and her sister have been estranged for years, but none of us really knows why. Everyone has their own side to that story.
Recently, my grandmother’s health has declined, and she’s been demanding that her daughters work things out. She wanted all of us together again for the holidays.
I’m the one everyone keeps calling: My mom vents to me, my aunt asks me to intervene, and my grandmother just wants peace. I tried my best to get everyone on the same page — while under deadline, might I add — but it didn’t happen in time for us to celebrate the holidays together.
I love my family, but I feel trapped in the middle of a conflict I didn’t create and can’t seem to fix.
When I suggest boundaries, I’m accused of being cold or disloyal (to one party or another). When I listen, I’m emotionally drained and anxious for days afterward.
My grandmother’s wish for unity resonates deeply with me, but how do I support that without becoming the family mediator or sacrificing my mental health?
— Come Together
DEAR COME TOGETHER: Tell each of your family members that they owe it to your grandmother to show up and be respectful — even if they never choose to be friends again.
Stop asking for more. Appeal to their basic family respect. That’s it.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.