Wine Mom Gang Meeting Minutes

“What we are seeing across the country as organized gangs of wine moms use Antifa tactics to harass and impede Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents is not civil disobedience. It isn’t even protest. It’s just crime.”
— David Marcus, writing in an op-ed for FoxNews.com

Belle Ave. Wine Moms Gang
Meeting Minutes

Date: 14 Jan 2026
The meeting was called to order at 8:00 p.m. by Emily in Lauren’s Basement.

Present: Emily, Lauren, Megan, Katie, Jessica S., Sarah, Jennifer, Amanda, Ashley, Jenny, Rachel, Stephanie, and Jessica M.

Business from Previous Meeting

• Jennifer clarified that when she suggested complaining to the cops’ manager, she did, in fact, mean the Sheriff.
• Jenny reports that the red wine did not come out of her rug with vinegar or hydrogen peroxide. She suggests cups with lids for the next meeting—matching would be cute.
• Ashley apologized for comparing sleep training to torture.

New Business

• Welcome to our new member, Katie. Giving birth is the most painful initiation, but she was also made to run the gauntlet of LEGOs barefoot.
• Megan provided a refresher of hand signals to use in carpool line.
• Sarah explained how to check if your auto insurance covers windows getting busted out by ICE.
• Jessica S. offered to be a DD if anyone needs a ride home, because she is now sober and prefers Diet Coke. Motion approved with a toast to Jessica S.’s wellness journey.
• Amanda reported on tactical fashion. It is harder to pull your hair if it is in a neat mom bun. Light layers keep you prepared to flee. She’ll find out where the soccer coaches get their whistles.
• Stephanie found bulletproof backpacks for her kids; they might make cute diaper bags for self-defense. Milk is soothing after pepper spray. Breast milk even better? Save post-meeting pump-and-dump?
• Jenny suggested that red lipstick was trendy in the ’30s and would look more sympathetic if you end up on the news. Reds with blue undertones make your teeth look whiter.
• Lauren’s daughters interrupted meeting and were forced to give an impromptu report on middle school gossip. All children are beautiful, but we now hate Hudson P.
• Jessica M. led a discussion on making signs for the next protest. Debate over whether or not to censor the f-word. Will decide at next meeting. Discussed the need to move on from puns on Hamilton lyrics.
• Next time, everyone, bring your kids’ markers.
• Rachel passed out baby monitors to use as walkie-talkies.

REMINDER: The first rule of Wine Moms Gang is not to talk about Wine Moms Gang, especially not to those narcs on the PTA. If you must refer to the group, acceptable cover stories are book club or Bunco.

The meeting was adjourned at 9:30 p.m. by Lauren. The next meeting will be held on Feb 13 in Sarah’s basement once the baby goes down. Bring your own wine.