God Admits Imitation Crab Tastes Just As Good

THE HEAVENS—Praising the man-made food item as “on par with the real thing,” God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted Thursday that imitation crab tastes just as good as the living crabs that He created. “Credit where credit is due—between the pleasant taste and low cost, I definitely don’t hate this,” said the Infallible Architect of All Things, adding that He wouldn’t have bothered to invent the decapod crustacean species in the first place had He known the fish-based substitute would be “this decent.” “When I first saw you guys tinkering around with crab meat, I admit, I was ready to punish you for the sin of hubris. But I’m really impressed. This imitation version has a nice mouthfeel and a good flavor that’s not overly fishy. I know firsthand how hard that is to do—have you ever eaten mackerel? Plus, this is a perfect workaround for Jesus’ shellfish allergy. Kudos.” God added that humans “still have a long way to go” when it comes to vegan cheese.

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