Your January horoscopes

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

New Year, new you? Nope. You don’t have the time for that resolution. Plus, at your core, you’re so nasty and bitter that you’ve pushed away the closest friends who would’ve held you accountable. You need to be a better person. Full stop. But no, you’re still banking on that half-marathon to set your life back on track. Whatever. Break a leg I guess.

I already missed on my goal of making horoscopes better. Welp. Anyways, here’s what’s gonna go wrong for you this month:

Aries

Love is in the air, but it’s like you’re holding your breath. For your own sake, lower your standards.

Taurus

Against all odds, your team has made it to the next round of the NFL Playoffs. It’s the fourth quarter, and you’re down by three points. 1:30 left on the clock. Get ready for the most disastrous three-and-out you’ve ever seen.

Gemini

Oh, you don’t “know” football? Look at you, the intellectualist. Explain your hockey show to me one more time.

Cancer

Woah, you’re majoring in economics? The B.S. too? How unique and interesting! Share your opinions on Mayor Mamdani every chance you get.

Leo

Dr. King fought with everything he had to change this nation. How do you honor his national holiday? Trashing the cheapest Airbnb in Lake Tahoe? Men these days.

Virgo

Be aware — something’s out there. It’s coming your way. Keep your head on a swivel. You can almost hear it. It’s getting closer. Closer. It’s on your ri-ON YOUR RIGHT!!! WOAH, COME ONNNN! RESPECT THE ROUNDABOUT! PLEASE!

Libra

I just discovered “Dance Moms”. You all are horrible people for supporting that show. Bottom of the pyramid. Next.

Scorpio

There’s been a lot of chatter going on behind your back. Play your immunity idol tonight to avoid getting voted out of the polycule.

Sagittarius

I reviewed your 10-step self-improvement plan for this year. “Download Tinder” and “Daytrade” feel like lateral movements.

Capricorn

Basketball is in full swing! How exciting! Hold a moment of silence for what Derrick Rose’s career could’ve been.

Aquarius

Someone harbors plans to deceive you. On an unrelated note, science just proved that the ratio of your hand size to your face predicts IQ. Don’t believe it? Let’s measure right now!

Pisces

Okay, your New Year’s Resolution to meditate everyday starts now. Drop whatever you’re doing and follow along. Oh, okay, you have a call in 15. I’ll keep that in mind. You focus on the present. I gotchu. 

Let’s start with a deep breath in through the nose. Focus on your breath. Like the act of it, not the smell. I don’t want you to focus on whatever that smell is (it’s for sure in your minifridge) — don’t focus on that, you can clean it out when we’re done. Maybe on your call. Or is this call a big one you have to be fully locked on? It’s not high stakes, right? Whatever. Slowwwww deep breath out. Trust me, 20 minutes of breathing is more than enough to calm you down.

Yes, yes, 15 minutes, whatever. Oh, and it is important? Well focus on this for now. Seriously, I got it — 15 minutes. No, don’t set a timer, that’s gonna stay in the back of your mind and stress you out. 

Think about the things that make you happy. Think about your family. Wait, did you do the thing your mom asked you to? I forgot what it was but I know it was super urgent. Wait, don’t speak and just keep inhaling and shake your head. No? Well, after your call in an hour, you can do that no problem.

Okay, pause your inhale. Why are you glaring at me? Relax your face. Matter of fact, close your eyes. Imagine your stomach as a balloon. Hold all the air in there. Now, when you exhale, it’s going to feel amazing.

Keep your eyes closed, I’m just looking for a hoodie I think I left here yesterday. Wow, your closet is a mess. And your drawers too. You really aren’t keeping it together. I’d be embarrassed by this. It’s gonna take me a few minutes find it — it looks like I gotta dig through all of your stuff.

HA, I KNEW IT WAS HERE! Wait, are you still holding your breath? Ohhhh, good on you for not responding. Wow, I guess you reached such zen you transcended. You can tell by your face — it’s purple. You know what, when you open your eyes and choose to start moving again, try to stay in the moment for longer. Here, I’ll lock you out of your phone to keep you present-oriented. 

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