Bad, But Relatively Low-Stakes: This Pedal-Powered Traveling Bar Has Been Hijacked By Terrorists

A situation is currently unfolding on the streets of New Orleans that is definitely not ideal, but in the grand scheme of things probably isn’t worth freaking out about too much: This pedal-powered traveling bar has been hijacked by terrorists.

Okay, someone should definitely put a stop to this as soon as possible, but overall this seems to be a relatively low-stakes situation.

The low-level crisis began at around 1:15 this afternoon, when six masked gunmen forcibly boarded a pedal-powered traveling bar called “Booze Control” on Bourbon Street and demanded that the attendees of the bachelorette party on board start pedaling the bar toward the Mississippi River. The bar is currently moving through heavy traffic at nine miles per hour, though it is making all necessary stops at road signs and traffic lights.

Sounds like it’s officially time for the government to send three or four FBI agents to New Orleans, or maybe ask a local crossing guard to intervene in some way or something.

The terror group involved in the hijacking calls themselves the People’s Front For Monetary Accuracy (PFMA), a guerrilla group based in Waukegan, Illinois who are committed to coercing the U.S. Treasury to start minting one-dollar bills that show the back of George Washington’s head on their reverse sides.

The PFMA has existed since 1972, and since their founding have carried out a number of relatively inconsequential terrorist operations, including spray painting an additional “D” on a Yield sign in Bethesda, Maryland and throwing a full can of Diet Coke at a photograph of President Gerald Ford. The group says they will maneuver the Booze Control party bike directly into the Mississippi River unless they see the back of George Washington’s head on a one-dollar bill within the next 12 years.

In a video released to the U.S. government and viewed by several college interns working at the CIA, the PFMA’s leader, who goes by the name Angry Jonathan, stated that he would “plow every bicycle bar in America directly into some body of water” until “money makes sense.” He reiterated the PFMA’s core belief that “it is dangerous nonsense that when you flip over a picture of George Washington you see a freaky pyramid instead of the back of George Washington.” 

Yikes. It’s safe to say this is definitely something that shouldn’t be allowed to continue, but if it does, things probably won’t change much for most people not directly involved.

According to the most recent reports, all but three of the hijackers hopped off of Booze Control after the pedal bar went past a restaurant that had a band playing jazz covers of Beatles songs, which they agreed sounded really cool. The remaining terrorists are currently drinking beers with the bachelorette party. It honestly seems like the whole thing is going to resolve itself organically. Still, if the city wants to send over some big bouncer-type guy to make sure everything stays safe, that would probably be ideal. At the end of the day, it seems like this really isn’t something worth thinking about!