Necessary Prerequisites for Having a Baby

So you want to have a baby. That’s the biggest decision you’ve ever made in your life. And with it comes an endless list of to-dos, supply needs, and pointers to make sure you don’t screw up this kid’s childhood. But before you get to any of that, have you double-checked that you have all the necessary prerequisites to be eligible for the role of “parent?”

Surely, if you’re ready to take on that responsibility, all of the below should be no problem:

Keep a minimum of two plants alive for at least three months

Plug in your phone before going to bed so it’s not dead when you wake up five nights in a row

Mark all 6,709 unread emails on your phone as “read”

Learn the difference once and for all between shallots, scallops, and scallions

Cancel the subscription to Sling TV you accidentally enrolled in five years ago

Carry a watermelon around for a full day without dropping it

Schedule a doctor’s appointment about that thing

Schedule a dentist appointment about that other thing

Schedule a therapist appointment about many things

Breathe exclusively through your nose until you’re done reading this list

Delete any tweets you may have written talking shit about babies

Ask your parents if your own existence was really worth the effort

Schedule another therapist appointment after the above conversation

Three to five years relevant experience

Ask yourself if you really want to go back to living with a roommate at this stage of your life

Review your calendar and make sure you don’t have any commitments over the next two decades that would conflict with raising a child

Watch Being John Malkovich right away. This has nothing to do with learning about parenting, but it’s just the kind of movie that’s a little too heady for a baby to appreciate

Listen to “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac without crying

Listen to “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac and realize that it’s actually brave if you cry

Couldn’t hurt to brush up on your multiplication tables

Start eliminating baby names based on who’s trending online

Unmute all your parent friends whose Instagram posts are quickly shifting from obnoxious to relatable

Forget every statistic you’ve ever read about climate change and overpopulation (to alleviate your guilt, but also because your baby could be a libertarian)

Get in the habit of spelling out words you don’t want your kid to repeat, like N-E-O-L-I-B-E-R-A-L-I-S-M

Google “having baby scared don’t know what i’m doing reddit”

Get ahead of the curve and familiarize yourself with the PAW Patrol extended universe

Shriek in the background of your partner’s Zoom calls to make sure they’ve got a handle on the mute button

Attend a mandatory three-hour virtual seminar about how to properly onboard your baby into existence

Update your household’s style guide to render a verdict on whether to call the baby by its first name, a nickname, or “Mr. Baby”

Reach out to current babies you know for an informational coffee

Remember that no matter how unfathomable becoming a parent may seem, literally billions of people have done it before you, and most of them didn’t have iPads to shove in front of their kids’ faces when things got tough. It will be miserable, it will be the best thing that’s ever happened to you, and it will be a great excuse to stock up on applesauce.

Oh shit, almost forgot: DIAPERS. Jesus, yes, definitely get an avalanche of diapers. However many diapers you think you need, quadruple it. You will no longer have a home. You’ll have a diaper storage unit with beds in it.