Miss Manners: I’m dismayed by my family’s reaction to our small wedding

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Years ago, my fiance and I were planning our wedding when one of our parents passed away. We put the entire thing on hold, and then occasionally talked of getting married — for the next 25 years.

We finally decided to have a small ceremony, with a guest limit set by the venue. It was delightful, and just what we wanted.

After the ceremony, we sent announcements out to our friends and family who had not been invited. This is not a gift grab or anything; we just wanted to let them know, and hoped they would be happy for us. In addition to the pictures, we included a short note letting them know of the guest list restrictions.

My, oh, my. I have yet to hear from anyone in my family with a “Congratulations!” I hear instead, “Well, I thought we were closer,” “You should have told us ahead of time” and “I guess you don’t need anything from us.”

I know it is too late, but should we have told people ahead of time? I was hoping for a genuine surprise, and happiness that we had finally made it official — not a guilt trip.

GENTLE READER: Sadly, people have come to equate weddings with commercial entertainment. If there is an event they want to attend, they understand that they must buy into it by sending a present or, more likely, a donation to whatever fund the couple — who might share that commercial attitude — have set up.

So if there is no event they may attend, there is no reaction. It does not seem to occur to them to express good wishes simply because people they know have married.

Miss Manners can only tell you that she is as appalled at this as you are.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to stay with a dear friend of many years who had moved several states away. Never having stayed at her house before, I was dismayed to find that the television in the main living area was on all the time.

The political views expressed were very extreme. It was also very loud, because her husband is hard of hearing.

I knew they supported a different political party, but we never actually talked politics in the past, and it is only recently that politics have become so divisive.

The same thing happened to another friend who went away to stay with relatives. How can this situation be dealt with tactfully with the hosts — if at all? I shall not visit that couple again.

GENTLE READER: Which solves your immediate problem. But even though fewer people are watching television these days, you are describing two of the major social problems of our time: avoiding interacting with others and flaunting one’s political views.

Why would your dear old friend and hostess preclude having conversation with you? Miss Manners would have hoped that the closeness of the relationship would allow you to talk over your different political views in a civilized fashion. But if not, you should not have been subjected to listening to theirs — and secondhand, at that.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.