Police: Chekhov’s gun seized

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

PALO ALTO – A semi-automatic rifle was seized in a midnight raid on a Palo Alto home, a Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (ATF) spokeswoman announced on Tuesday. Officers served a warrant just minutes after it was signed by a judge, leaving locals wondering whether the unidentified suspect posed an imminent threat to the community.

ATF Deputy Director Smokey Remington stated in a press release that the Bureau received a tip from the suspect’s neighbor that the weapon was involved in a murder plot. The suspect’s neighbor, who has a Ph.D. in English Literature and wished to remain anonymous, commented:

“When [the suspect] showed me the gun the first time in what I can only assume was the first act of this story, I had no idea how it would be relevant to me in the future. But then I entered into a passionate love-affair with [the suspect’s] wife and it hit me: That gun had to go off and it was going to kill me!”

“Now, I’m no fool and I know that jealousy has to fester for some time before reaching a breaking point, so I took my time before reporting it to the authorities. Then, I started questioning whether this was a traditional five-act structure following Freitag’s Pyramid — in which case I had until Act III to foil his plan —  or if this was a modern two-act story, which could have me dead before the end of Act I! My only qualm is that I may have interrupted [the suspect’s] journey through internal turmoil as he struggled with his morally gray decision to kill me. Either way, my seven years in grad school have really paid dividends today.”

Lead Officer Ruby Fisher dismissed concerns from community members who insisted that the weapon seized in last night’s raid was actually a red herring, and that the true danger is still yet to be revealed. Officer Fisher pointed out that, now that the love triangle between the suspect, his wife and their neighbor has been resolved, the falling action has begun and a secondary climax is unlikely.

Officer Fisher, clearly trying to tie up all the loose ends of the story before a secondary danger could arise, said that “The struggle between good and evil here has not been in vain. Though we have revealed that our individualistic suburban life breeds jealousy and divides us as a community, we must all learn to look past the complexities of this case and live in delicate harmony nonetheless, choosing to maintain our current ways instead of meaningfully changing due to these events.”

Officer Fisher then turned to a young girl and said, “One day, your generation will be able to heal from this,” in an apparent attempt to pass the Bechdel Test.

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