Some Other Things Donald Trump Will Probably Try to Buy
President Trump keeps talking about buying Greenland. Perhaps via a lump sum to Denmark, perhaps through individual payments to each Greenlander? We have reached the stage of the imperial presidency where we just start pointing at the map and demanding the things we see there. Formerly, when something bad happened in the news, the only people allowed to become immediately richer were defense contractors. Now there is something called a political betting market, where this kind of bad news can enrich anyone. Just one of many things that’s great for our democracy at this time.
I hesitate to suggest what other things on the map might be considered for purchase, lest someone feel inspired to actually write a check, but I will go ahead and make the relevant Polymarket bets so that I may make my fortune! (At least until they announce that based on how I phrased my wager, they will not deliver.)
France (Odds: 1,789 to 1): Have we ever looked into purchasing France? Geographically not unlike Texas, but they do very different things with the vowels there. Would make a lovely fiefdom for Rubio or another attendant lord to rule in his spare time.
Great Britain (1,215 to 1): Somewhat depreciated after all this time, and they felt the need to put great in the name, which feels like try-hardism. But we have a legacy connection there and are almost fluent in the language. (I would not have put this on the list, but J. D. Vance says that the British and French are threats now!)
Canada (1,867 to 1): It is a truth universally acknowledged that an adjacent country, in possession of a sufficient landmass, must be in want of annexation. But what could we offer individual Canadians as an incentive to join? Perhaps the opportunity to become mired in crippling medical debt?
China (9,000 to 1): It looks almost as big and important as Greenland on the map! No, nothing can be as important as Greenland. Look at the map!
Ireland (1,916 to 1): I foresee zero difficulties with trying to make Ireland do anything against its will.
Liechtenstein (825 to 1): This country is too small for the length of its name. U.S. would look much nicer. The populace would certainly get on board if they understood that we were just trying to make them look better on the map.
Prime Meridian (7 to 3): This looks very important on the map and is even labeled “Prime,” but in the real world, it is invisible! We must buy it at once! An invisible line that runs through eight countries and three continents could be useful for spycraft.
Northwest Passage (70 to 1): Do we get a finder’s fee?
Iceland (6 to 1): I think this is the one to buy, actually. Way more verdant than Greenland. Just got confused by the name! Oh well, too late now.
Vinland (5 to 1, if we can find it): Which one is Vinland? We want that too.
Atlantis (80,000 to 1): If it’s under there, we absolutely want it! (Do they take bitcoin?)
Golden City of El Dorado (80,000 to 1): Who wouldn’t want an entire city made of gold? Do they take bitcoin?
The Moon (1 to 1): Has a whole Sea of Tranquility, a resource we could really use in these times. We can put server farms there. Also full of flags, and helpful for supplementing cheese reserves.
The Big Black Line That Outlines the Whole Map and Holds It Together in an Oval Shape (3,720 to 1): Is this for sale? Could be fun to mess around with alternative world shapes if this is in play.
The Big A off the coast of North Carolina (Actually any of the letters—the T L A N T I C or the O C E A N) (725 to 1): Each letter is the size of Pennsylvania, if the world map the president is looking at is to scale, and could perhaps function as a naval base! (If the map isn’t to scale, we’re going to have a lot of problems.)
The Post–World War II International Order in Which We Respect Other Countries’ Sovereignty Because the Alternative Is an Ongoing Might-Makes-Right Nightmare of Chaos and Bloodshed: Don’t see this on the map anywhere; probably worthless.